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Clickbait headline admittedly rather intriguing

A MAN cannot help but admit that a clickbait headline has done an incredible job of piquing his fickle interest. 

Internet user Martin Bishop is well aware of the shallow journalistic techniques used by hack writers, yet still feels oddly compelled to click an online article titled ‘Doctors Told Jennifer Garner It Was Irreversible. You’ll Never Guess Her Reaction’.

He said: “It goes against my better judgement as a savvy consumer of media, but goddammit I am curious. What happened to her? How did she defy science?

“Notice how the headline has drawn me in with a clever use of the second person perspective? The limits of my imagination have been challenged and I must defend them. Whoever wrote this knew what the f**k they were doing.

“Has she somehow reversed the aging process? Does she still look as good as when I fancied her 20 years ago? Which one is she, anyway? That one who went out with Justin Timberlake, or is that Jennifer Beals?

“I could be using the internet to educate myself about confusing geopolitical issues or to manage an investment portfolio. But no, I simply must read some utter nonsense about a woman who was in Dude, Where’s My Car?, I think, instead.”

Article writer Nikki Hollis said: “I’d like to personally thank Martin for clicking through. That’s 0.0002 pence of ad revenue straight into our account.”

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Believing 'this could be it for Starmer' reclassified as sexual fetish

GETTING so excited by a select committee hearing that you pronounce the end of the prime minister can only be a sex thing, experts believe. 

On the third occasion in ten days where commentators are breathlessly hyping a ‘day of reckoning’ for Starmer despite the fact that it will not be, the only rational explanation is that it is getting a whole lot of people off.

Dr Helen Archer, sexual wellness consultant, said: “Politically, they must know a hundred Labour MPs aren’t voting for an enquiry when there’s an enquiry already going on. So it must be something else.

“And given the feverish quality, the desperate need it is clearly filling, the demand for more and more climactic events after the last one proved unsatisfying, there can be little doubt this is the Westminster equivalent of a late-night sweaty hate-f**k.

“They know it’s achieving nothing, they know it’s disgusting, they know they should stop but it just feels so good they can’t stop themselves. Then afterwards the only way they can handle the disappointment and shame is to schedule another select committee hearing.

“I keep saying, the healthy way to deal with these urges is to work on your own party and make them electorally appealing. They know that. But then they get rock hard at the thought of another ‘doomsday for Starmer headline’ and we’re back where we started.”

Parliamentary correspondent Mary Fisher said: “Sir Philip Barton’s just declined to answer whether correct procedure was followed when Olly Robbins was sacked. And I’ve come.”

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