Grandad terrified he'll be next victim of AI deepfake porn

A RETIRED 80-year-old with no social media presence is understandably afraid his likeness will be stolen to generate pornographic deepfakes on the dark web. 

Octogenarian Norman Steele has asked that all pictures his grandchildren might have posted online of him in the past decade are scrubbed from the internet to protect him from becoming a victim of explicit revenge porn.

He explained: “I read in the paper that these AI gadgets take your face and put it on someone else’s body, making it look like you’re doing something you never did. Like having it off with the woman on top.

“While I wish I was romping with Kylie Minogue, and I could now Mary’s gone, it’s not appropriate for any Tom, Dick or Harry to make that into a video and share it around for everyone to see. Indonesia could be watching that nightly and I wouldn’t know.

“You might think I’m being paranoid, but I could see the treasurer of the lawn bowls club retaliating like this after I accused him of cheating last August. He’s got a computer with megarams.

“And quite frankly I’m afraid to go to the Post Office and pay my gas bill because everyone in there could have been watching me giving it both barrels to those Sugababes on their phones and laughing. It’s elder abuse.”

He added: “I’ve asked my grandson to search the web for it. He says he there’s nothing there, but I worry he hasn’t spelled ‘Steele’ with all three Es.”

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Woman loves animals in all their cartoon forms

A WOMAN has admitted she adores everything about the natural world once sanitised on screen. 

Risk manager Emma Bradford, aged 36, is known for her fondness of animals in soft pastel colours that remove any suggestions of natural flesh and move only on a confined two-dimensional screen.

She said: “I’d have a dog but it’s the hair. I’ve got velvet sofas, you see.

“But every weekend you’ll find me in my Eeyore onesie watching my Disney favourites, from The Jungle Book to The Aristocats to Zootopia. I can’t get enough of their anthropomorphic antics.

“I’m less keen on 101 Dalmatians and Finding Nemo – that’s just too many dogs and you can’t make fish likeable – but otherwise I’m a real at-one-remove animal lover.

“My wardrobe’s all leopard print, I’ve got a life-size Scooby Doo in the downstairs loo and my kitchen is a shrine to Cath Kidston chicken prints though I wouldn’t like to be near a real one. They peck and fly at your face.

“I know we share this planet with actual animals but couldn’t they all be put into zoos to avoid having to swerve so they don’t dent your car? It’d be more convenient.”

Friend Fran Johnson said: “Hasn’t stopped her last three boyfriends being a sloth, a snake and a fat, horrible stinking pig.”