BRITAIN’S water companies have spilled record amounts of raw sewage into our rivers and seas, proving the doubters wrong. How are you thanking them? 

Steve Malley, gardener: “I’ll be taking the kids down to the seaside this weekend for an Easter shite-shoot. It’s like clay pigeon shooting, but more earthy and real.”

Josh Gardner, social media manager: “Somebody had to stop the liberal elite craze for wild swimming. I applaud the water companies for stepping up.”

Joanna Kramer, percussionist: “If processed food is bad, so are processed turds. That’s logic.”

Frankie Johnson, teacher: “Back in the day, British seas and rivers were alive with fresh human shit. We also had a globe-spanning empire. Coincidence?”

Nikki Hollis, investment analyst: “Look, I share everyone’s jubilation. I just worry that they’re going to use this as an excuse to charge us more.”