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We ask you: How will you satisfy your thirst for depravity now Grand Theft Auto VI is delayed?

GRAND Theft Auto VI will not now be released until next November. How will you slake your degenerate urges until then? 

Norman Steele, flytipper: “Oh, I don’t have to tell you. You’ll be seeing it on evening news bulletins soon enough.”

Joanna Kramer, broker: “No GTA6 and the Tories out of power until 2029. It’s a rough time for us sociopathic deviants who treat other people like their perverted playthings.”

Thomas Logan, network engineer: “I’ve spent years building a prostitute-murdering simulator on Minecraft, and it’s finally finished. It really is a mechanical marvel of the age. I’m hoping for at least an OBE.”

Jimmy Bates, YouTuber: “There’s always GTA Online, a racist, misogynistic, homophobic frenzy in which the only aim is to rack up cash by being as wildly offensive to others as possible. Or as some call it, Twitter.”

Donna Sheridan, eyebrow threader: “I play the British version. TWOCer VII. There are no guns, no police, no penalties for committing crime and only one weather: shit.”

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Kate would do a far better job of playing Meghan in film

MEGHAN Markle is to play herself in an upcoming film despite the fact the Princess of Wales would be far better for the role. 

The Duchess of Sussex, tone-deaf as ever to what the public wants, is to appear as herself in movie Close Personal Friends despite being completely wrong for the part.

Hollywood insider Gracie Wood-Morris said: “Meghan? As Meghan? What, did the casting director want the rest of the day off to snort coke?

“Maybe in 2016, but the Meghan of today carries too much baggage. The socials hate her, she doesn’t sell in the UK, and the lifestyle brand has tanked. Even as a cameo it’s desperate.

“No, if they want a Royal with looks, poise and mystique there’s only one choice to play Meghan and that’s her sister-in-law. Kate is an English rose, she’s got that marvellous mane, she tests well in the Midwest and the pegging rumours add vital edge.

“Can she act? Based on her public appearances as a Royal, she’s wooden, stilted and unconvincing as an actress. Like I said, a natural Meghan.”

A spokesman for the Princess of Wales said: “Kate is interested. And, so the film can never be released and forever associates the name of Meghan Markle with financial disaster, she’s willing to black up for it.”

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