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We will still be dicks, affirm under-16s

UNDER-16s have explained that whether on social media or not, they will still be completely unbearable dickheads. 

An announced ban will mean anyone under 16 will have access to sites like Instagram, Snapchat or TikTok removed, but the age group concerned says this will not stop them being vile to their parents, teachers, passers-by and each other.

Lucy Parry, aged 15, said: “So we won’t be toxic online. Just means we’ll have to be twice as toxic in real life. Challenge accepted, old bastards.

“What, you think that teenager on the bus scrolling videos would be sweet and kind if they noticed you? Rather than pointing out you’re a bellend with a bellend haircut and if you dare look up calling you a paedo?

“We’ve been happy on social media, only ruining the lives of celebrities and each other. As of next summer we’re back on the streets taking out our adolescent self-loathing on you saggy f**ks.”

The ban is not expected to affect Facebook, Threads or X, because no self-respecting teenager would be seen dead on them.

Mother Mary Fisher said: “Such sensible policy to get children off addictive, dangerous social media and back out there smashing up bus stops where they belong.”

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Scottish co-worker obviously still drunk

THE Scottish man two desks across is very clearly still inebriated which nobody has yet had the courage to mention. 

Will McKay arrived at 9am singing Flower of Scotland, which everybody expected following his country’s historic win against Haiti, but has spent the last two hours breaking into chants, asking if everyone saw it and making loud, unintelligible calls to fellow Scots.

Colleague Ellie Shaw said: “There’s no pretence of work. His screen is showing the highlights. I don’t think that’s just Irn Bru he’s swigging.

“I congratulated him on the win and he said ‘Haven’t stopped since, hen,’ which means he’s been awake for 48 hours and drinking for 36 of them. And we’re in Leicester. I can’t imagine the scenes in our Glasgow office.”

Department head Joseph Turner said: “Will came into our morning meeting ten minutes late, and appeared to believe it had been called exclusively to celebrate his victory. He insisted on leading a chorus of ‘We’re the Tartan Army’. Insisted with threats.

“When he lurched out, seeming to forget we were here, we agreed our unofficial company policy is to not aggravate him in any way, deal with disciplinary matters at a later date, and alter the clock on his computer to 5pm so he thinks it’s time to go home.”

McKay said: “What a win! What a f**king win! I wish I remembered it.”

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