Subscribe

At least now we know we're not meant to be racist, counters Met

THE Metropolitan Police have hailed footage showing them hiding their racist views for months as a massive step forward for the force.

Metropolitan chief of police Sir Mark Rowley believes he deserves credit for creating a culture where officers conceal what bigoted, sex-obsessed, violent freaks they are, instead of revealing it at interview.

He said: “Seven months of building trust before they admit they’d shoot all immigrants! And I believe that given time we can raise that to 18 months.

“The job of outwardly detoxifying the Met can’t be done overnight. We’ve got to teach all our officers to bury their racism, homophobia and yes, even their misogyny, deep, deep down where cameras will never find it.

“Eventually, I believe we can create a Met where police only share their dangerously racist views in the most secure of WhatsApp groups or with senior colleagues of 20 years standing. That’s the dream.

“So please, give us a chance. I promise you the next undercover reporter who survives will only be able to detect bigotry in our arrest records and hiring decisions.”

Detective sergeant Nathan Muir of West Yorkshire police said: “Always the Met. Once again, our lads’ outstanding racism gets ignored by the London-centric media.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Michelle Mone, and other wanks who pose a moral dilemma

BAD people can be attractive, and that poses a problem for the ethical masturbator. Examine your conscience before constructing a wank fantasy around these hotties.

Michelle Mone

Michelle is awful; she cheated the public during a deadly epidemic then did everything she could to hang onto the cash. But she does look good in a swimsuit. If your conscience is struggling with this wank, remember she’s a Daily Mail favourite and visualise thousands of retired old gits tugging away at their ancient PCs. Your sexual urges will abate, possibly permanently.

Stalin

The young Joseph Stalin was undeniably hot. In the famous picture of him aged 23, his luxuriant hair and hipsterish neckerchief make him look as if he’d take you to a bar in Shoreditch rather than a gulag. Yes, a mass murderer who killed at least 10 million people isn’t an ideal sexual fantasy, but who hasn’t been embarrassingly besotted with someone because of their looks?

Karoline Leavitt

Pretty as a picture, but evil. Despite her cutesy appearance, Karoline is an unswerving Trump mouthpiece who repeats every lie no matter how blatant, deranged or racist. Can you live with ICE deportations and the Epstein cover-up on your wanking conscience? Hopefully not, but luckily Karoline looks a bit like non-evil actress Amy Adams, so just imagine her instead.

Pete Hegseth 

On a purely physical level, Pete is quite hot. He’s got chiselled good looks, clearly goes to the gym and even has some fashionable tattoos. Sure, he’s a total piece of shit on most other levels, but what man is without flaws? Some guys drone on about their job, some are selfish in bed, Pete is an alcoholic fascist lunatic who might tell the army to start massacring civilians. No one’s perfect. 

Leni Riefenstahl 

Former actress Leni was not only goodlooking but also quite arty and in great shape from all her skiing. So it’s really just this ‘ardent Nazi’ thing you have to get over. At the end of the day it’s just a wank, so maybe don’t beat yourself up about it. Although if you find yourself wanking over Eva Braun too you might want to take a good hard look at your political beliefs.

Kylo Ren 

Plenty of fangirls think it’s cute to fancy evil characters, especially if they look like buff Adam Driver. But attractive bad guys being fictional doesn’t give you a free wanking pass. Especially with Kylo. Imagine if you met a guy in real life who casually said: ‘I murdered my elderly dad and have a special chair I torture people in.’ That’s not a crush you’d be mentioning to your friends in the pub.

Melania Trump 

The first lady is on TV so much it’s hard not to have idly considered shagging her. But is she complicit in Trump’s reign of idiocy? Would your wank be tacit support for MAGA – and perhaps even racist? It’s a tricky one. Fortunately this is a self-resolving dilemma, because once you’ve been reminded of Donald, who increasingly resembles a bad-tempered whale carcass, a wank will be the last thing on your mind.

Next story ›