Bride's pre-wedding nightmare proves 100 percent accurate

A BRIDE’S pre-wedding nightmare where everything went wrong on her big day turned out to be spot on, it has been confirmed.

Bride, Eleanor Davis, said: “First, my makeup artist pulled out at the last minute, which was exactly what happened in the nightmare. So I had to do my own makeup.

“Wonky eyeliner. Shit!

“Then, when I got to the church, instead of my dad waiting to walk me down the aisle it was Mr Lawson, my year four teacher, but he was nine feet tall, dressed as an evil clown and holding a red balloon.

“Then I realised I was one of those blue cat people from Avatar and I’d forgotten my vows. I tried to remember them, but I could only think in a weird hybrid of French and Swahili, which is bizarre, because I don’t speak either of those languages.

“When I got to the altar I knew my fiancé, Steve, would be there but, sure enough, instead of arms and legs, he had tentacles. Then all of our guests started pelting us with fish fingers and the vicar kept running outside to bark at pigeons because he was an Irish wolfhound.”

Davis said the honeymoon was also exactly like her nightmare as the hotel was managed by Lorraine Kelly.

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Six handy tips for beating student debt

AS students face bills of £46,000 or more for a degree, many are struggling to get through three years of education.

Follow these tips to graduate debt-free:

Put off going to university until you’re working in a highly-paid profession such as barrister or consultant surgeon. Simply sneak out of operations and court cases whenever you’ve got a lecture.

Gigs are a big part of student life, so save money by only seeing the worst, cheapest bands. Why buy £60 Killers tickets when an overweight local Shakin’ Stevens tribute is performing at the British Legion for free?

Persuade your parents to invest in property and become buy-to-let landlords for your friends. And if they set up their own student loans company, they can cash in for decades to come.

Cheap pasta dishes, nourishing soups, buying from the Whoops! aisle and scraping edible lichen off rocks saves money on meals. Pine tree bark is edible. Be resourceful!

Remember, you don’t have to live on campus. If rent is sky-high near your London university, you can always find a much more affordable place in the Welsh valleys and commute.

Make extra money by inventing an amazing thing no one else has thought of which everyone wants to buy if you’re so fucking clever.