BANKNOTES will soon feature British wildlife after the public were consulted on the idea. But is it wise to ask a nation full of idiots who’d be happy with shit like this on their money?
Dick pics
Men love sending dick pics and ladies love receiving them, so some veiny cocks are an obvious choice. It could do wonders for the nation’s collective love life, because every time women see a banknote they’ll feel incredibly turned on.
Captain Tom’s ghost flying a Spitfire
Unquestionably the greatest Briton of all time, and it’s illegal to disagree. Many people would feel that a mawkish photoshopped image of the translucent grey ghost of Captain Tom in his Spitfire was the most beautiful thing they’d ever seen. You’d have to get used to soppy twats breaking down in tears every time you queued at a cashpoint.
Tommy Shelby
Tommy has a huge fanbase and symbolises British values like watching television and romanticising violent criminals. Does it lack gravitas to have a fairly recent fictional TV character on your currency? Not if you’re so thick you think he was a real person.
Twats painting a St George cross on a roundabout
Plenty of people would be happy to see these bellends commemorated on our currency, for the dubious achievement of stirring up racism and being a bit of a nuisance to the council. Still, we Brits love token gestures, and you don’t get much more token than slightly altering the colour of a mini-roundabout.
Peter Crouch doing an Ariel advert
Not-particularly-interesting footballer Peter Crouch is strangely popular with the public, as evidenced by him being paid to do so many TV adverts. As such he could be immortalised on banknotes, doing what we all most associate him with most: unfunnily gooning around with a detergent pod.
A Tesco ready meal
Morons love familiar things they recognise, like shit sitcoms and Boris Johnson, so this would be a popular choice. And are historical figures like Churchill really more important to Britain than ready meals? If the Nazis had won we’d still be putting a bland lasagne in the microwave.
Nigel Farage
In ‘great Briton’ terms, Nigel hasn’t achieved much, unless you count giving the economy a slow puncture. However that wouldn’t trouble Reform voters, who think he richly deserves to be on a banknote. Unfortunately the rest of us would be forced to see the frog-faced attention whore on a near-daily basis too. Question Time would approve.
A Greggs sausage roll
This staggeringly mediocre food product has become more of a British icon than Jane Austen or Sir Isaac Newton, so it makes a weird sort of sense to put them on our currency. The only danger is that truly dense bastards may be unable to resist eating their own money.
