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Enforcement officers fine man £250 for shedding skin cells

COUNCIL enforcement officers have fined a man £250 for ‘openly and wantonly’ shedding skin cells in a lay-by.

The team, tasked with ‘approaching and punishing individuals who are committing environmental crime offences’, caught the 52-year-old in the act of desquamation and issued the on-the-spot penalty.

Enforcer Wayne Hayes said: “You shed a million skin cells a day, mate. That’s 30,000 to 40,000 per hour. You’ve been here 15 minutes. You do the math.

“Want me to get the colorimetrics kit out of the van? I promise you if I do, we’ll be detecting your keratin all over the bloody shop. Shedding like there’s no tomorrow, you’ve been.

“Oh, ‘that could be anyone’s keratin’ could it? Like we’ve not heard that one before. I’ll call in DNA testing if I have to, son. You’re not walking away from this crime scene. Pay up, and be careful where you shed in future.”

Stephen Malley said: “£250 just for a few drifting corneocytes you can’t even see with the naked eye. And if I hadn’t paid up within 14 days it was going to be £500.

“Still, as long as it stops whole fields, country lanes and rivers being blocked by illegally fly-tipped waste, which it provably doesn’t.”

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A selfie with Sabrina Carpenter, and other parts of your social media history that will bar you from visiting America

FOREIGN tourists may have to provide five years of their social media history before visiting America. These blemishes on your account could see you banned for life.

Posting a selfie with Sabrina Carpenter

After Sabrina Carpenter slammed the Trump administration over the ‘evil’ use of her song, any association with the pop star will be seen as aligning yourself with a terrorist organisation in the eyes of the White House. Tourists will stand a better chance of entering America if they follow Hezbollah, share 9/11 memes and pop the Islamic State flag in their bio.

Publicly speculating about Melania

It’s grossly offensive to ponder about the relationship between the president and the first lady on a public forum. So what if they barely spend any time together and she visibly seethes in his presence? Any married couple will tell you that’s the sign of a healthy relationship. Only people who love each other deeply give the impression that they’re locked in a loveless nightmare from which there is no escape.

Giving any mention of the piss tape a like

Upon landing in America, customs officers will be at liberty to seize your phone and check your social media for you propagating the dubious but persistent story about Trump and two Russian ladies. If they find out you’ve endorsed rumours of this kompromat, you’ll be put on the next plane home. If you’re clean, your phone will be returned and you’ll be told not to Google what it’s all about. For your own sanity, follow their instructions.

Spreading non-misinformation about Trump

Trump has worked hard to cultivate a post-truth world, and the last thing he needs is you undermining his lies. People who expose Trump’s fibs about Tylenol, his claim that Ukraine started the war with Russia, or his clueless shit-talking about countless other subjects, will automatically be denied entry. This might actually be a relief for tourists as it won’t be long before every famous landmark has been replaced by some horrible gold monstrosity Trump has thought of himself.

Sharing smug holiday photos

If you’re someone who posts endless photos reminding people you’re on an amazing and expensive holiday, with smug captions like ‘Not a bad place to spend the week!’, the US authorities may decide there’s too much of a risk of you capturing something untoward in the background, such as ICE agents arresting a small child at gunpoint. You’ll be on the next plane home, and for once this is a draconian rule your friends will approve of.

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