THE first person to arrive at any house party is always someone the hosts already regretted inviting, research has shown.
Studies of wankers’ travel patterns and their subconscious awareness of being disliked showed they deliberately arrive early to get their pick of alcohol and to identify vulnerable guests to corner for the entire evening.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We were inspired to conduct our research by Leanne’s leaving do, when that twat James was straight on the scene.
“It appears to be universal; whether it’s your dullest colleague, your most freeloading relative or that loutish mate from uni you should have shaken years ago, the first person to walk through the door will make your stomach lurch in horror.
“Furthermore, they’re are more likely to be the only person there for up to 45 minutes, dictating that you spend all your time either being bored by them or hiding in the bogs. God forbid they find out you’ve got coke.
“If you don’t invite that person? Then another arsehole takes their place, telling you all about their childcare arrangements until you burn yourself getting vol-au-vents out of the oven. It’s inescapable.”
Punctual party-goer Nathan Muir said: “If the invite says 7pm, I’m coming at 7pm. Too many people show up late these days. It’s a degradation of British values, and to be honest, no offence, I blame immigration.”
