IT’S almost freshers’ week, and as a parent you’ll want to ensure your child is suitably twattish as a student. Here’s how to give them the best start at uni.
Get them a hat
Hats are the quickest and easiest way to look like a twat as a student. Trilbies, beanie hats, rastacaps and anything a Sherpa would wear are all good, and of course the classic flat cap. If it’s twattish enough for Guy Ritchie, it’s twattish enough for your child.
Ensure they join the worst clubs and societies
During freshers’ week get them to sign up to social pariah groups like the Christian Union and Tabletop Gaming Soc, not forgetting the university debating society. How could what is basically formalised showing-off in the company of arseholes like Jacob Rees-Mogg be anything other than twattish?
Sit down and discuss twattish hairstyles
No shortage of options here: dyeing their hair a stupid colour, getting an asymmetric shave, white boy dreads. Just whatever looks shit, really. Don’t take them to the hairdresser there and then, though. They should arrive at their halls of residence looking completely normal then suddenly completely change their image with weird clothes and manky blue hair. That makes them much more of a twat.
Buy them condoms
There’s nothing more depressing than a stash of unused condoms, so ensure your child has at least 60 as a painful reminder they’re at uni but not getting laid. It’s unlikely anyone else will see them, but they’ll certainly feel like a twat when they look back years later and remember all the shagging they were expecting to do but didn’t.
Help them pretend to be from a rough area
For some reason, middle-class freshers always compete to be more ‘street’, and your teenager will need to join in. Help them memorise their ‘hardest’ anecdotes – maybe a friend was vaguely threatened in a local pub, or someone was expelled from their school for minor drug dealing. It’s pathetic, but it might impress boarding school pupils who only have tales of raiding the tuck shop.
Encourage them to be horribly middle-class
Instead of going down the fake street cred road, get your child to look like a twat by being horribly privileged and unaware of it. If you’re pretty wealthy, encourage them to think skiing trips, £15,000-a-term schools and private tutors are completely normal and average. When your darling daughter asks another fresher ‘So what’s your horse called?’ it will go down in legend.
Pay for a piercing
Any youngster adopting a clichéd ‘alternative’ look will want a piercing, and luckily there are plenty of bad choices. Perhaps a septum ring with two balls resembling antennae? When it looks as if there’s something trying to trying to crawl out of your nose no one will question your credentials as a twat.
Teach them to roll badly
Being able to roll a decent joint isn’t that amazing a skill, but does look cool at uni. Obviously you don’t want this for your teen, so teach them to do it badly, creating sagging paper tubes that go up like a zeppelin. When they’re sitting in halls passing round a collapsing, unsmokeable joint shedding big lumps of resin, they definitely will look like a twat.
