THE Arctic blast sweeping parts of the UK could be hazardous, especially to your wanking. Here’s how to get yourself off safely in icy conditions.
Remain indoors
As tempting as it is to rub one out while making a snow angel, it’s a good rule of thumb to stay inside while masturbating. Feeling the winter air waft through your pubes while you have a hand shandy might sound thrilling and kinky, but you could slip on an icy patch or get slapped with a public indecency order. Stick to your toasty, crusty bed.
Remember to de-ice your genitals
It’s tedious and impractical if you’re trying to squeeze a quick fiddle into your lunchbreak, but it’s a crucial part of the process. If the shaft or clit has not been suitably thawed out then there’s a chance they could snap off in their frozen state. Perching them above – not on – a storage heater for 20 minutes should get your private parts to a state that scientists call ‘wank ready’.
Don’t use boiling water
Pouring water fresh from the kettle over your groin isn’t the quick fix that people would have you believe. Scalding water tends to feel excruciating when it flows over dicks and fannies, and no ambulance will be able to come out and patch you up because the roads will be f**ked. If you’re really in a rush, chisel off the ice with your debit card.
Wear thick thermal layers
Safety rarely looks sexy. But just as a cycle helmet protects your brain from splattering all over the pavement, thick woollen clothing worn from head to toe will keep you safe during chilly bouts of self-abuse. The last thing you want is to freeze to death mid-session, only to be found by archaeologists years later like Ötzi the Iceman.
Watch summer-themed smut
It’s important to keep your mind as well as your body safe from the wintery weather. This leaves you no alternative but to watch pornstars frolicking around poolsides as the LA sun beats down on their toned, lithe bodies. If your partner catches you gooning over this filth they can’t be mad at you either, you’re simply taking a sensible precaution.
