Man celebrates pathetic little pay rise by switching to ‘premium’ fuel

A MAN has spent some of his two percent pay rise on some slightly better quality petrol.

Martin Bishop, a 38 year-old office manager, said the extra £40 a month after tax had made him feel ‘prosperous and secure’.

Replacing the ‘Ultra Juice’ nozzle, Bishop said: “I’m not going to let it go to my head, but it does feel exceptional to put some very sophisticated petrol into the tank of my Peugeot 106.

“I’m not even sure what Ultra Juice does, but it has a racing car on the handle, and racing drivers are very rich and confident.”

Bishop then treated his wife Jane to a three course meal at TGI Fridays, which he described as ‘moderately enjoyable’ once she had ‘finally agreed’ to stick to the 2-for-1 menu.

Bishop’s father-in-law, Tom Booker, said: “I’m delighted that he’s now slightly less of a blight on my family.”

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Corbyn insane not to invade Iraq, says Blair

JEREMY Corbyn’s lack of a plan to invade Iraq would spell disaster for Labour, Tony Blair has claimed.

The former prime minister attacked Corbyn’s ‘Alice in Wonderland’ politics, saying Labour would be unable to win future elections without a huge war instigated by right-wing Americans.

Blair said: “He clearly has no plans for an invasion of Iraq, which is an insult to British voters who so wisely put their faith in me, George W. Bush and Jesus.

“He needs to ditch this drivel about taxing the rich and set out his bombing plans. Right now, I don’t know who he wants to bomb, or if he even wants to bomb at all.”

He added: “In politics you’ve got to be realistic. That’s why the next Labour leader needs to re-invade Iraq using these special robot soldiers I’ve drawn and coloured in myself.

“They’re nuclear and have lasers.”