Man’s brain discards final bits of GCSE French to relearn the Macarena

A MAN’S brain has erased all remnants of GCSE French in order to relearn the moves to the Macarena.

Thirty-three year old Tom Logan’s understanding of French was already reduced to ‘J’habite a Stevenage’ and ‘Jai quinze ans’, along with snatches of a catchy song about the months of the year, but these have now been discarded forever.

Now, following a lesson from his cousin at a wedding, Logan has filled that part of his brain with the abilty to execute the entire Macarena, including the hip swivel and jumping in the right direction.

He said: “Whenever I need to communicate abroad, I just point at things and smile like an idiot. It works perfectly well. And women prefer a man who can do the Macarena to a man who speak French.”

Logan’s knowledge of the Macarena will be replaced at the end of this week after he buys a new Samsung 4K television with a complicated wifi set-up.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Office f**ked without the one woman who knows what she’s doing

AN office is in meltdown because the one member of staff who understands how everything works has taken the day off.

Administrator Donna Sheridan’s absence has left a Stevenage-based insurance broker in a state of panic reminiscent of the last days of Hitler’s bunker.

Managing director Roy Hobbs said: “How the hell am I meant to phone our suppliers if Donna doesn’t look them up and write the number on a Post-It note for me?

“Apparently they’re all in a ‘spreadsheet’ on ‘the network’ but I’m not paid to understand that sort of impenetrable cyber-jargon.

“We can’t even get into the toilets because the door’s got a code only Donna can remember. We’ve made a makeshift latrine from a bin surrounded by whiteboards. It is not pleasant.”

Company accountant Emma Bradford said: “I tried to pay some invoices, but after randomly clicking in the payment software, £14,000 disappeared and I don’t know where to.

“I also wish she’d told us that refilling the photocopier by pouring ink in the back will make it go ‘bang’ and all the lights will go off.”