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'Me again!' says returning migrant, making a little joke of it

THE migrant removed from Britain under the one-in-one-out scheme said ‘Guess who’s back!’ to border forces on his return, lightening the occasion with a little humour.

The Iranian national, who was deported back to France on 19th September, had officers in stitches when he quipped, ‘I just couldn’t stay away!’

Border Force officer Tom Booker said: “I thought I recognised a face, then he said ‘Wait, this isn’t Britain again, is it? When will I learn to map-read?’ and we shared a laugh.

“‘Just wanted to check you’d not changed your minds,’ he added as we put him in the van, and ‘Well, you can’t say I’m not persistent!’ Say what you like about the UK’s buggered asylum system, he’s looking on the bright side.

“Even at the detention centre he’s all ‘We must stop meeting like this!’ and ‘Terribly sorry to bother you, I think I left a pair of shoes under the bed in my room’. If having a British sense of humour was a criteria for entry, he’d be a citizen tomorrow.”

The migrant in question, who wished to remain anonymous, said: “France is great but it doesn’t really get me, you know?”

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A woman's guide to what men do in the shower

EVER wondered why the man in your life takes so long showering? Here are the things he’s doing in the bathroom he’d rather you didn’t know about.

Wanking

The most obvious course of action. He’s naked and soaking wet, so why wouldn’t he crack one off fantasising about banging some hottie against the tiles? Blame Sabrina Carpenter for needing to pour a bottle of Mr Muscle drain unblocker down the plughole at least once a fortnight.

Admiring the grouting

If he tiled the shower cubicle himself he’ll stand for ages gazing proudly at his handiwork while ruminating upon what a proper Alpha Male he is. In truth it’s a bit shit and you wish you’d got a professional in, but he’d never admit that, even under torture.

Using his pubic hair to get a good lather up

While you serenely apply shower gel all over your body before rinsing, he’s smart enough to utilise his plentiful supply of bollock fluff to generate a mountain of distributable soapy suds. It also gives him an excuse to fondle his genitals, which, as with all men, is his favourite hobby. You could be doing the same, but you shave your fanny. Who’s the fool now?

One bottle for everything

You have separate products for body cleansing, hair washing and conditioning, but he sees no point in all that faffing about. If shower foam cleans your body it’s perfectly good for hair too isn’t it? And conditioner is a no-go because men using basic grooming products to look good is way too homosexual in the current year, 1955.

Ignoring his back

Men have a much simpler central nervous system than women, so because he can’t see his back he forgets it’s even there. This might account for all the spots and blackheads you get to see as a special bedtime treat. 

Excessive arse-washing

While you just wash your bum normally like the rest of your body, he’ll be an age taking handfuls of those bollock suds and having a bloody good butt rummage. Will he succumb to the temptation to slip his finger up there? Probably not, he’s not into that sort of wild gender-bending sexual experimentation.

Having a piss

You’d rather die than urinate all over your feet, but to him it’s the perfect lizard-draining opportunity. There’s water flowing and a plughole to aim at, so he’s practically standing in a urinal. It’s baffling why women don’t choose this brilliant life hack which saves you the backbreaking effort of hanging on briefly and going to the toilet three feet away.

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