Met failing to catch serial killers because they are best mates

THE Metropolitan Police is failing to catch serial killers because they are close friends with them and drink together, it has confirmed.

The force admitted that it may be failing in its duty to apprehend serial murderers because it believes they are misunderstood and a great laugh after a couple of pints.

Detective inspector Joe Turner said: “Come on. So they’ve killed a few people. So who hasn’t?

“I know my hands aren’t clean and neither are most of the lads, so it would be pretty hypocritical of us to start locking up serial killers for murder. Especially when we’ve got at least two in senior ranks.

“You know that bit at the end of films, when the killer says ‘You and I, we’re the same’ to the cop? Well it’s like that but earlier in proceedings, and instead of a deadly game of cat-and-mouse we go down the boozer and play pool.

“When Alex says household objects have been telling him he must kill again, that’s just banter. Mental health issues too perhaps, but you can’t be looking down on that in modern society, they made us do a course about it.

“We don’t judge, here at the Met. To you they may be serial killers, but to us they’re just people who’ve taken a difficult path in life. Yes, I suppose that does make us better than you.”

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Gregg Wallace, and the other luckiest untalented bastards in showbusiness

THERE are a lot of useless people in the world of entertainment who’ve spun a career out of utter mediocrity. Like these:

Fred from First Dates

A man who has managed to stretch a ten year career out of having a sexy French accent, Fred has struck lucky taking people’s coats and offering generic pearls of wisdom like ‘There is only one happiness in this life. To love and be loved’. And also to make a fortune out of working in the service industry.

Gregg Wallace

Ex-fruit and veg peddler Gregg Wallace is a staple of our screens, appearing on either Masterchef or Inside The Factory on what feels like 365 days of the year. Having a loud voice and a shiny bald head appears to be the beginning and the end of his talents, yet he’ll still be on TV, cockroach-like, after the rest of humanity is wiped out in the apocalypse.

Paddy McGuinness

If hanging onto coattails was an Olympic sport, Paddy would be Usain Bolt. Hitching his wagon to Peter Kay about 20 years ago has given Paddy the opportunity to host a never-ending cavalcade of bad quiz shows, bad game shows, bad entertainment shows and the worst ever iteration of Top Gear, with his entire schtick being based around the fact he’s from the north.


Who’d have thought dancing around with maracas could set you up for a 30 year career in entertainment? After making his start providing ‘vibes’ for the Happy Mondays, Bez has since gone on to star in Celebrity Big Brother, Celebrity Masterchef, Dancing On Ice and Gogglebox, despite being so incapable of comprehensible speech that he makes Shaun Ryder sound like Oscar Wilde.

The Kardashian family

Is being the offspring of OJ Simpson’s defense attorney a talent? Or making a sex tape? Or having injections in your bum to make it massive? Not really, but those are the things that have made the Kardashians the most rich and famous people in the world. No wonder your kids want to sack off school in favour of being influencers.