Optimistic father gives Black and Decker Workmate to 29-year-old son

A MAN has given a Black and Decker Workmate to his son in a desperate bid to stop him being so pathetic.

Jim Bishop gave the work bench to 29 year-old Martin as a birthday present, along with a drill and a copy of the Reader’s Digest DIY Manual.

Jim said: “Hopefully it will ignite some kind of primal instinct to do something with his hands other than his constant, furtive masturbation.

“Even if he just makes a spoon for stirring one of his manky little vegetarian casseroles. That would be a start and I would no longer have to deny his existence.”

But Martin added: “At first I thought it was a bench for very tall people, but apparently it’s for DIY projects.

“It’s a nice thought, but I’ve no cause to touch tools of any kind. I give money to large men to fix things for me.

“If I buy a spoon and attach it to the drill, I could make some really creamy houmous.”

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Banksy exhibit 'somehow worse than Blackpool'

SMELLING of chip fat in a Blackpool amusement arcade is still better than Banksy’s latest exhibit, visitors have confirmed.

After the artist revealed his new ‘installation’ called ‘Dismaland’, tourists said it is at least five times more unbearable than the thing it is attacking.

Holidaymaker Roy Hobbs said: “I went to Blackpool last year where I got hammered, fell over and hurt myself – quite badly – but also had a one night stand with a really smashing girl.

“At Dismaland I got patronised, expensively.”

Hobbs added: “I don’t mind an insightful critique, but maybe throw in a few flamingoes and a voucher for a rum-based cocktail.”

Attractions at Dismaland include a coconut shy of police helmets with swastikas stencilled on them and dodgems in the shape of world leaders that fart money when crashed, both of which provide a searing commentary.

Meanwhile, the Jeremy Kyle-themed rollercoaster is closed for repairs after being derailed by its own metaphor.