Passenger requesting refund taking the absolute piss, says train company

A TRAIN operator cannot believe the fucking nerve of a passenger who is demanding a refund because his train was 90 minutes late. 

Employees at London Midland are outraged by the insolence of Tom Logan, who still saw half of his precious football match but is asking for 100 per cent of his fare back.

A spokesman said: “What a total bastard. Does he think it’s easy running trains or something?

“Yes, it was late leaving the station, but we can’t pay drivers to sit about drinking coffee, and why he’s moaning about being diverted via Northampton I don’t know. It’s a very historic town.

“The rail replacement bus got him there in the end, so what’s the difference? What is he, some sort of sicko train fetishist?

“Technically he does have the right to a refund, if he wants to be a rude twat. He’ll have to send his ticket in, then we’ll lose it, then ask for all the details a few more times, then deny a refund, then grant it but not pay it, then it’ll be past the 90-day window.

“He’ll never get his money, but that’s not the point. It’s the disrespect.”

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What, in the name of God, is a 'pay rise'? asks Britain

CLAIMS that pay rises are not keeping pace with inflation has baffled the majority of Britons who have no idea what a pay rise is.

Millions of workers confirmed that being given extra money by their employers was less likely than being abducted by aliens.

Warehouse worker Tom Logan said: “So people automatically get more money because their company likes them and prices keep going up? Yeah, I’m sure that happens – in fairyland.

“I suppose they go to their boss and say ‘Give me more money every year, forever!’ and they just say ‘yes’, rather than ‘Fuck off you little rodent or we’ll get someone from the agency’. That’s funny.”

Office worker Donna Sheridan said: “I’ve never had a pay rise but the company does lots of ‘cool’ things to make you think it’s a good place to work, such as ‘Hat Friday’ when you can wear a hat ‘for fun’.

“I think pay rises must be a workplace urban myth, like the photocopier being haunted by an old employee who got crushed by the lid.”