WHAT is the best university in the country? It’s largely as you’d expect, but we’ve thrown in a few wildcards to con upper middle class kids into spending three years on the Humber:
1. Cambridge
It’s old and fancy and all the scientists went there, plus former BNP leader Nick Griffin, so we’ve put it top because to do otherwise would be mad, right? We’ve got to build credibility here.
2. Imperial College London
Where nerds go, but in central London so they must logically be the best nerds. And they tend to really perform on University Challenge which is what employers look for.
3. Hull
Ah, the hallowed seat of British learning whose alumni include over half of all prime ministers and billionaires. Definitely. This isn’t just a gag based on who’s next on the list.
4. Oxford
Not what it used to be.
5. University College London
Another London one in which your fellow students will either be foreign, richer than your wildest dreams, or both. Don’t confuse it with LSE.
6. London School of Economics
Not to be confused with UCL, see above. Which we’ve put it below because it only has ‘school’ in the name, not ‘university’. A telling error.
7. Wolverhampton
Let’s say it’s got great student satisfaction or some bollocks. Doesn’t matter what we say, people will still stifle laughter when they see it on your CV.
8. Durham
All the Oxbridge and University of Hull rejects come here, which provides solid entertainment when they accidentally stray into a locals’ pub.
9. Manchester
Redbrick, but not built out in the middle of f**king nowhere. Easy access to drugs. Nobody makes you dress up like a twat in a gown just to get your dinner.
10. Chichester
Wow, did not realise they had a university. That’s cute. And maybe the job prospects are great, if you’re happy with working at a Greggs.
