TRUMP has declared war with Iran all but over because he personally has moved on. We’d live in a better world if these had also been called off early for dullness: 

World War One, 1914-1918

Began in 1914, and by the end of the year everyone was nice and settled in trenches where they were slaughtered for no real purpose for a further three years. Germany might as well have said ‘Yeah, fair enough, we tried’ and settled it then. What if they hadn’t meant it and started another war within 25 years? Imagine.

The Hundred Years’ War, 1337-1453

It was actually 116 years long, frequently interrupted by the Black Death, and all fought for the right to sit on the throne of France anyway. If they’d known the top prize was to eventually get guillotined, could it have been ended sooner? Joan of Arc would have been able to grow her hair out, marry a lovely young man and have kids.

The Wars of the Roses, 1455-1487

Remember being approached in the playground, asked if you were red or blue, and getting a dead leg for giving the wrong answer? That on a national scale, but the teams weren’t City or United but York and Lancaster. Also you’re a peasant struggling to farm enough wheat to eat stale bread through winter and the man asking has a sword and a feather in his hat.

The Crimean War, 1853-1856

Even establishing what this one was about, and why France, Turkey, Britain and the Kingdom of Sardinia-Piedmont felt it necessary to weigh in, is near impossible. Russia had to, it was their Crimea. If, at some point in 1854, a participant had said ‘Lads, I’m not feeling it, shall we all go home?’ it would likely have met with mumbled agreement.

The Iraq War, 2003-2011

Back in the 00s, singles would be played on Radio 1 for six weeks before being released so they’d go straight to number one. That was nothing compared to Iraq, which suffered a fatiguing pre-release period comparable only to the marketing of Barbie. We were bored before it even began. Nobody knew it ended in 2011 because we tuned out in 2004.

The Russo-Ukrainian War, 2022-ongoing

Honestly, Putin, we’d have more respect for you if you gave up. Withdrew the troops, ceded the territory, accepted that you made the classic f**k-up of trying to invade Russia but from the other direction. Because over here in the West we pretend not if asked but we’ve all tired of it. You’re not seeing Ukranian flags these days, are you?