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Employee of the month award never celebrated by colleagues

STAFF who will find any excuse to have a few drinks after work strangely never celebrate employee of the month awards, it has emerged.

Employees who are happy to drunkenly socialise for the birthdays and leaving dos of people they barely know have an odd lack of interest in recognising a colleague being good at their job.

Sales executive Tom Booker said: “I think part of the problem is it’s more of a burden than an actual prize. A poisoned chalice, if you will. Except they’re too stingy to give you a chalice.

“You only get ‘preferential’ treatment that would delight the worst sort of corporate drone, like being asked your opinion on shitty work strategies and having the boss sit on the edge of your desk asking which minion is deserving enough to be the next recipient.

“The unlucky winner gets their fake, smiley ‘Meet the team’ webpage photo plastered on the wall in the corridor leading to the toilets. You also get a tacky trophy with a gold briefcase on top for a month. You don’t even get to keep it, not that you’d want to.

“The borderline alcoholics I work with will go for a drink for anything: birthdays, training days, even baby showers. Christ, last month we got pissed to celebrate Darren buying an air fryer. But employee of the month never results in going to the pub. It’s weird.” 

Office manager Martin Bishop said: “Now you mention it, it is strange that our office never celebrates employee of the month. But I think we can put that down to them usually being a loathsome, arselicking little crawler.

“That’s not a criticism, by the way.”

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The fans must stay sober until Sunday: Six impossible ways Scotland can qualify for the second round

SCOTLAND have scored one goal and won one game, but can still qualify for the second round of the World Cup if they meet these stringent conditions:

All fans must stay sober for four days

Whether in Miami, Motherwell or the area around King’s Cross station, all Scotland fans are tasked with taking not a sip of drink before Sunday’s final group games to prove theirs is a serious sporting endeavour and not just an excuse to annihilate themselves with alcohol. And no other substances, either. That means you, Mark Renton.

Australia to lose, Ecuador to draw, Egypt to win, Senegal vs Iraq to end in marriage

Nine results must fall exactly Scotland’s way for three points and a goal difference of minus three to qualify them for the second round. It’s an accumulator only a hopeless, broken nation whose rare historical victories have been against all odds could believe in, so north of the border it’s considered a certainty.

Nicola Sturgeon to conclusively prove her innocence

FIFA have specified that, as an organisation free of even the slightest whiff of corruption, Scotland’s former first minister must demonstrate beyond all reasonable doubt she knew nothing of the origin of the pens she wrote with, the handbag she carried and the necklace she wore. A full explanation to be submitted by post by midnight tomorrow.

At least eight new inventions

Scots invented television, the telephone, the steam engine, pneumatic tyres and the Dandy. But where’s the spirit of invention gone? What have they invented recently apart from the deep-fried Mars bar? If they can return to their innovative ways and deliver eight new technological innovations before 9am on Sunday, the next round is assured.

Great Birnam Wood to come to Dunsinane

As a nation, Scotland used to be able to come together and relocate woodland. But today their country is covered in pine forests and there are virtually none down south where their shade would fall on actual people. Shifting one first to Dunsinane and then to Deptford would ensure their application to progress would be treated favourably.

Renounce independence forever

The Scottish urge for independence has caused an awful lot of trouble in recent years. It’s divided neighbours, convinced David Cameron he could win any referendum he cared to hold, and put temptation in Peter Murrell’s way. Renouncing it once and for all would all but ensure Scotland got through and are beaten six-nil by Germany next week.

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