Subscribe

Scottish co-worker obviously still drunk

THE Scottish man two desks across is very clearly still inebriated which nobody has yet had the courage to mention. 

Will McKay arrived at 9am singing Flower of Scotland, which everybody expected following his country’s historic win against Haiti, but has spent the last two hours breaking into chants, asking if everyone saw it and making loud, unintelligible calls to fellow Scots.

Colleague Ellie Shaw said: “There’s no pretence of work. His screen is showing the highlights. I don’t think that’s just Irn Bru he’s swigging.

“I congratulated him on the win and he said ‘Haven’t stopped since, hen,’ which means he’s been awake for 48 hours and drinking for 36 of them. And we’re in Leicester. I can’t imagine the scenes in our Glasgow office.”

Department head Joseph Turner said: “Will came into our morning meeting ten minutes late, and appeared to believe it had been called exclusively to celebrate his victory. He insisted on leading a chorus of ‘We’re the Tartan Army’. Insisted with threats.

“When he lurched out, seeming to forget we were here, we agreed our unofficial company policy is to not aggravate him in any way, deal with disciplinary matters at a later date, and alter the clock on his computer to 5pm so he thinks it’s time to go home.”

McKay said: “What a win! What a f**king win! I wish I remembered it.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Brave Western man determined to fight for his Asian fetish

A BRITISH man with a passion for Japanese women has proclaimed that he will campaign tirelessly for his human right to fetishise. 

Amid criticism of white men obsessed with East Asian women, 30-year-old Tom Logan has described himself as ‘the Rosa Parks of having a type’ and sworn ‘never to surrender to intolerance of anime’.

Logan said: “Throughout history, men of courage have suffered for the right to love across boundaries. From the Stonewall riots to me getting ghosted on Hinge, it’s all part of the same struggle.

“Just because every woman I’ve ever fancied has been Korean, Chinese, Japanese or Thai, people call me a chaser. It is actually rooted in a deep appreciation of Asian culture. The history, the K-pop, the kimchi. Is that a crime?

“It’s not a fetish, it’s a cultural exchange to promote understanding between continents. Conducted on forums about who’s the hottest in Blackpink.

“People act like I’m objectifying Asian women when I see them as complete human beings. Tiny, flawless, permanently giggling human beings who read manga, never age and like sex under a Dragon Ball Z duvet cover.

“The backlash is driven by racist Western women, bitterly insisting real-life Japanese ladies don’t have giant eyes, school uniforms and magical powers. A man can’t even move to another continent to pursue a dream anymore.

“I will not bow down. Except when greeting Japanese girls as that is an established part of local etiquette and will make them fancy me.”

Friend Oliver O’Connor said: “Most British men disappoint women in one country. Tom has committed himself to doing it on an international scale.”

Next story ›