YOU’VE put in the hours, done the groundwork and become a member of Britain’s professional class. But are you a twat accountant, arsehole doctor or wanker journalist?
Knobhead solicitor
You got a law degree but didn’t put in the effort to be a barrister with a wig and instead settled for a long, lucrative career half-heartedly dealing with house purchases. Whether not bothering telling anyone you haven’t received the paperwork, receiving the paperwork and doing nothing with it or not answering the phone, you’ve inconvenienced so many.
Twat accountant
‘I can add up,’ you realised, and your career plans ended there. Setting up a little shop, you unenthusiastically do the accounts of the self-employed, safe in the knowledge that if the taxman comes for them all you did was advise so won’t be in the shit. A byword for boredom, even your own family brighten when you leave the room.
Prick teacher
The great thing about teaching is everyone already hates one, so you’ve a selection of despicable stereotypes ready to be slipped into. Failed footballer PE teacher who takes it out on the kids? Supercilious English teacher who’ll never write that novel? Biology teacher who lingers on the human reproductive system? Or, simply, maths sadist?
Arsehole doctor
The key characteristic of an arsehole doctor is impatience with all these bloody patients expecting you to do your job. Whether ill child or moaning pensioner, you were bored of them before they came in and are waiting for the conversational trigger to dismiss their complaint as nothing and send them home to take aspirin. Then you can play golf.
Bellend civil servant
Went to Oxbridge? There’s so much that can be done with that. You didn’t, though, instead scuttling straight back under the skirts of the nanny state for the only job-for-life still going. The only risks are being bullied by Priti Patel or being forced to wear a monocle by Jacob Rees-Mogg, but you waited – your key skill – and they were gone.
Wanker journalist
The nation hates you, you hide behind a reputation for crusading truth when your actual job is collating demented tweets about what a bitch Meghan is, and you don’t even get paid as much as any of the above. But you get to direct hate wherever you please and get free shit from desperate PRs, and that’s enough for you.
