Low UK productivity linked to Fridays, weather, colleagues, short days, long days, mood, pay, surroundings and everything f**king else

BRITISH workers have the lowest productivity in the G7 because of literally every crappy little aspect of their lives, they have explained.

Six career options for sadistic, spiteful bastards

DO you like causing misery and suffering to others? Want to get paid for it rather than become a serial killer? Here are six careers that are perfect for power-crazed sadists.

'There could be something worth exploring there': seven ways to tell a co-worker to f**k off

WORKPLACES frown on negativity, foul language and cracking your co-workers’ skulls against their desks. Use these acceptable alternatives.

Cool, disruptive start-up has rigorous six-stage interview process

A COOL, disruptive start-up would like you to undergo a series of gruelling interviews and stressful psychometric tests before being admitted to their ranks.

How to successfully take a shit at work: A 12-step guide

GOING for a poo at work takes the detailed planning and slick execution of a bank robbery. Here’s how not to get caught red-handed in this terrible, shameful act.

Builder pissing himself laughing writing up your quote

A BUILDER is doubled up with laughter as he writes out an extortionate quote for a simple domestic job.

Are you hungry or just procrastinating?

ARE you so famished that you have no option but to force salt-and-vinegar McCoys down your face, or just avoiding work?

'I was in MI5 and can't talk about it', and other brilliant explanations for CV gaps

DID you spend 2008-2012 sleeping late and smoking weed? Has it left a gap in your career narrative that’s tough to explain? Use these lies.

The unwritten rules of office life that you will be exiled forever for breaking

OFFICES are back, and with them the threat of being a pariah for life if you dare violate their unwritten and unspoken rules. Watch out for these.

Chief Disruptor and other made-up job titles for complete wankers

THE corporate world is a minefield of ‘innovation managers’ and ‘change agents’. Never interact with any arsehole in one of these bollocks jobs.