Work

A SECRET Santa gift to be unwrapped later will, before 5.30pm, become the subject of an investigation by human resources.

EVERY office is a writhing hotbed of lust, and some departments are so busy fornicating they get very little done.

THERE’s nothing worse than sitting peacefully on the bog when a colleague walks in. Here’s how to discover who the selfish, entitled bastard is.

A MANAGER giving a presentation to 20 bored employees is under the misguided impression he is delivering a dazzling TED talk.

EMPLOYERS have confirmed they only consider giving the top roles to candidates with top grades in their religious studies GCSEs.

A WOMAN who has been absent on medical leave has return to the office with, to her co-workers’ surprise, significantly larger breasts.

HUMAN resources want to fully exploit their humans as a resource and for them to be happy about it. These are the contradictory messages you will get this week.

BEING told off in a constructive and professional manner by a manager who only wants to help is far worse than a red-faced bollocking, workers have agreed.

A CORPORATE worker is beginning to realise that her lanyard wields no power in the outside world.

A WOMAN has asked her middle-aged son if he has considered becoming a barrister, with cancer research scientist or Oxford professor as back-up options.