Cameron to advise Sunak on f**king everything up

FORMER prime minister David Cameron is back in Downing Street to provide wise counsel on how to f**k a country beyond repair. 

David Cameron has been given a well-deserved seat in the Lords so he can serve as foreign secretary and chief consultant on getting every single major decision entirely wrong.

He said: “You can’t beat hands-on experience when it comes to bollocksing up a once-successful nation. And I have that in spades.

“Remember when I took over, and you thought things were already bad? And I made them incalculably worse? Just imagine what I can do with this mess.

“I was the obvious choice for foreign secretary, given my track record of causing every country within a thousand miles to loathe us even more than they already did. Looking forward to meeting all those EU guys again.

“But more than that I’m the guy who brought you austerity, who delivered Brexit, who shafted the economy and walked off whistling. A return in government is well overdue, according to my lobbyist pals.

“I’m going to really screw things up for Labour. Finishing the job.”

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Being sacked is a lifestyle choice, Braverman told

THE former home secretary has been told that being fired is a lifestyle choice that she has knowingly made. 

Suella Braverman, who was dismissed before she even managed to reach work this morning, is expected to be perfectly happy with this turn of events as it was entirely due to her own actions.

Nikki Hollis of Clapham said: “I should think she’s really owning this. You wouldn’t get any complaints about unfairness, not from Suella.

“Having used her position to stir up hatred in volatile situations, spout shit about hurricanes of migrants but do piss all to stop them and punch her career in the metaphorical fanny by writing a poxy Times article, she can’t blame anyone else.

“Who knows when your talent will rise again, Suella? Perhaps you’ll be back in the job six days later like last f**king time. Perhaps you’re entertaining offers from leading broadcasters with viewers in the low three figures. Perhaps nobody cares.

“Now you can begin the groundwork to become next Conservative leader, with the minor caveats that everybody hates you and you’re provably shit at your job. Again, your choices.”

Tent dweller Martin Bishop said: “I can’t stop laughing, and I don’t think I ever will.”