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Donald Trump, and other people Donald Trump considers American heroes

CHARLIE Kirk has been admitted into The Donald Trump Pantheon of American Heroes, but which other Yanks will be on his new Mount Rushmore?

Donald Trump

The 45th, 47th and soon to be 49th president – the 48th will be Trump as well, but he likes the numbers going up – Trump is undoubtedly the greatest American of all time, as confirmed via seance by George Washington. His radiance illuminates the land and he is loved from sea to shining sea, apart from by the haters.

Abraham Lincoln

A Republican, Trump was surprised to learn two weeks ago and again last week, and leader of the Confederate states who won the Civil War according to the new Fox! Authorised History texts mandatory in all schools. At six feet four inches, shorter than Trump.

Jeffrey Dahmer

An entry to silence critics from the LGBTQIA+ community, initials he would never pronounce. He admires Dahmer’s entrepreneurialism and commitment, citing them as distinctly American qualities. ‘European serial killers, it’s like five guys and the police catch them,’ he adds, in a tribute to US exceptionalism.

Dick Dastardly

Clever, resourceful, and an animal lover, Dick Dastardly is an upstanding citizen and maligned motorist. Always prepared to work smarter, not harder, and his incredible pigeon-stopping flying machines were all US-made. Truly he was the Elon Musk of his era.

Jeffrey Epstein

How to explain links with Epstein? Start praising him. Trump’s regard for him in life is a matter of written and photographic record, with many beautiful young girls symbolising the straight love they felt for one another, so he must be great. The rabid troll army will receive their orders and anyone criticising Epstein will be made unemployed.

Donald Trump

An incredible author, property developer, reality TV show host, crypto king and forensic scientist, he’s also the only president to receive 100 per cent of the vote in 2028. Makes George Washington and Morgan Freeman look amateurs. Can fly.

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Israel recognises Cornish statehood

ISRAEL has officially recognised Cornwall as an independent country and its cream teas as superior to all others, it has informed the UK. 

The country has unilaterally accepted Cornish claims to statehood and will from now on only accept communications about it that are in the Cornish language and written on the back of a big pastie, or for longer communications a boogie board.

An Israeli spokesman said: “The British government has ignored Cornish’s right to be an independent state for far too long, simply because of its residents’ accents.

“Israel, one of the world’s foremost experts in recognising the sovereignty of international borders, has decided enough is enough and it must act to protect threatened institutions like Fat Willy’s Surf Shack and the Minack Theatre.

“No longer will these simple piskie people go unrecognised in law. No longer will the British government abuse them by sending its prime ministers there on holiday. And when it comes to being a drug smuggling hub for the whole British Isles, this is a bonanza.

“How do you like that, Britain? And remember, now you’ve done something, every subsequent action we take is retaliation and entirely your own fault.”

Cornishman James Bates said: “Jam first or war.”

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