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I'll do anything to save the special relationship, Starmer tells Trump seductively

KEIR Starmer purred down the phone to President Trump that he is willing to do anything, ‘and I do mean anything’ to get the special relationship back in track.

The prime minister admitted he had been ‘a naughty, wilful boy’ in not allowing the US to use British bases and he is prepared ‘to be punished, sir’ to restore relations between the two countries.

Starmer continued: “I’m sure a big, powerful man like yourself can think of something to do with me. And I think you’ll find I’m very morally flexible and extremely accommodating.

“Do you want access to some more of my tight little RAF bases? I think there’s room for you to squeeze in a few more of your big, throbbing bombers. Say it’s for our protection and watch my principles just melt away.

“Or perhaps I could clumsily trip over and ban the media from mentioning you in relation to the Epstein files? Picture it. Me, helpless, thigh exposed, tapping a huge black redaction marker against my lips. Hot, isn’t it?

“You could ravage the NHS. We could double-team China. I could act out that little ‘invasion of Europe’ fantasy you’ve been dropping hints about. Take me, Donny, take me.”

Nigel Farage said: “Oh, he’ll use you. Then he’ll discard you.”

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Who is Mojtaba Khamenei? Quick, find out before he gets killed

IRAN has appointed Mojtaba Khamenei as their new Supreme Leader, but who is he and can you get to the end of this article explaining it before it becomes irrelevant? 

The son of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, who you only learned wasn’t the one who issued the Salman Rushdie fatwah when he died last week, Mojtaba Khamenei has largely kept a low profile which is handy for the reader trying to learn all about him against a deadline.

He fought against Iraq when they were the good guys and Iran were the bad guys, useful you’ve haven’t got time to think about that too much, and studied religion which will hopefully prove a comfort to him in these, his final days.

Controversy about whether Iran’s leader should be chosen for his religious standing rather than hereditary succession is expected to die down shortly along with its subject.

Accused of interfering in elections, which unlike his US counterpart Trump isn’t expected to be an issue long-term, Mojtaba is expected to be named Ayatollah in short order and to join his father as a martyr shortly after that.

He has never given any public speeches or interviews, a policy which observers do not expect to change in the limited time available, so 90 per cent of this article will remain unchanged in his obituary.

His leadership record is and will remain largely untested, and his hope of finding who is leaking his location to Israel intelligence is expected to end mid-sentence.

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