I'm voting for stupid bollocks that's nothing to do with North Shropshire

By Norman Steele

I’M off to vote later, and rest assured I’ll be addressing issues like ‘woke’ and Muslims that make f**k all difference to North Shropshire or in fact most of the UK.

It makes my blood boil that they want ban everything British. I suppose if I meet a German I have to say ‘Sorry for defeating Hitler, please accept my apologies.’ And I doubt they’ll be showing The Snowman this year. I think we all know why – he’s white.

Then there’s transsexuals. I haven’t seen any in the Shropshire village where I live, but they’ll start recruiting soon enough. Big burley men in dresses in the ladies’ changing rooms in M&S, women pretending they can do anything a man can – until they need a jar opening. 

And there’s the elephant in the room: immigration. I expect they’ll ban sausages soon – even beef ones – so as not to offend you-know-who. I shouldn’t be turned into a criminal for liking a nice Cumberland.

Obviously I’ll be voting Tory to stop all this happening. They’re the only party talking about it, constantly in fact. Starmer just wants Black Lives Matter to run the country. If you ask me, his pal Corbyn is probably still pulling the strings. 

I’ve heard it said there are real issues affecting Shropshire, like people waiting 10 hours for an ambulance. But what’s that compared to the poor female academic from Sussex, or maybe it was Essex, whose name I forget, who got fired or something because of transvestites? 

All this talk about Downing Street parties is a silly distraction. Boris is doing his best. It’s not his fault he’s lazy and stupid. Personally I’d vote for a mouldy potato if it supported Brexit, and Boris is head and shoulders above a mouldy potato.

So I say let’s focus on the real issues affecting us Shropshire folk – don’t ban Noddy and stop saying ‘actor’ when we mean ‘pretty actress’.

All the things you shouldn't do while you still can

WE can all see what’s coming. Another cancelled Christmas, another January lockdown, all of it. These are the things you shouldn’t do while you can: 

Go to the cinema to see Spider-Man

You’ve got what, five days to see the only Marvel movie of the year that truly deserves the big screen? The multiverse and all that? You need to cleanse your palate of Eternals before we’re all locked down until bloody April. This is Marvel, it’s important. 

Go to the pub

Remember how welcome it felt to be back at the pub this year? How you went to book and spontaneously bought a pint and sat drinking it on your own in weak spring sunshine? Relive that incredible moment and remember it by taking at least 30 selfies.

Go for a meal

You’ll be able to book a table because everyone’s cancelled due to the very real risk of getting Covid, so it’s a great opportunity! Enjoy a meal cooked by somebody else for the last time in months. The service won’t be great because so many staff are self-isolating, but don’t let that worry you. 

Go shopping

Go on, it’s Christmas. Ideally somewhere enclosed, like Bluewater or the Trafford Centre. Happily drift from crowded store to crowded store, mingling with literally thousands of coughing others over the course of a busy day. Worth it because your sister will love that scarf. 

Go to a gig

Okay, you’re not feeling so great but it’s probably a cold and won’t stop you going to tonight’s gig. Who knows when you’ll have chance to be part of a huge crowd, all singing lustily along to classic hits, bumping up against each other all sweaty, again? 

Go to hospital

When that cough develops into classic Covid symptoms, get yourself down the hospital and beat the rush. It’s not going to close like everything else, but soon it’ll be so full of people you’ve given Omicron to at the pub, Nando’s, shops and a gig the treatment will be substandard at best. Hope you make it out!