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Mandelson checks diabolical cycle to see when he'll rise again

LORD Mandelson has prepared his coffin, checked the ancient Cyclus Diabolicus, set an alarm and settled down for when he is next needed.

The former ambassador to the US, who arrived back in his castle in Britain by rising from a puddle of infernal inky blackness, is sorry his sojourn in the realm of living souls is over but knows he will soon return.

He said: “December 1998 to October 1999 was quite a short gap, so ideally something similar. It is so boring being cast out into the cold emptiness beyond time.

“The circumstances are right: there’s a Labour government still in power, a great fury rises in the United States, a new Tsar in Russia, all of that Nostradamus business. I think there’s room for a little Mandy in there.

“Now let me look… yes, that’s when the Black Sun rises, this is when Australia is abandoned to the Shadow Sickness, and around here’s where the Fleshpuppet Devoural is revealed… ah, yes, there I am. Late 2027. Trade secretary.

“Yes, you can’t keep a good man down. Though that’s not at all relevant to my personal case in either regard.

“Wake me with my usual cask of AB negative, will you Soames? I’ll be in here binging Netflix.”

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Six pathetic British right-wingers trying to make this all about them

A CHAMPION of guns has been shot dead by a gun in the land of guns, and 4,000 miles away these British right-wing figureheads are making it all about them:

Laurence Fox

Drifting into irrelevance even faster than he’s drifting right, Fox heard the news, recognised the name and immediately realised that it could have been him, if he enjoyed any success or popularity or had the ear of the president. Undeterred by these minor differences, he waits for Newsnight to call and if they don’t they’re as bad as the killer.

Tommy Robinson

Shocked and horrified, Tommy swung into action straight away by deciding his London rally this Saturday, which had been struggling for numbers, was now a memorial event for a man he never met but who did retweet him twice in 2018. Those not attending are now disrespectful monsters who will be singled out on social media.

Rupert Lowe

The Reform-quitting member for Great Yarmouth, who spends all day peaceably sending inflammatory messages about race on social media, is in no doubt who’s responsible: everyone he doesn’t like. Largely the left-wing media, certain left-wing political parties who won landslide elections when they had no right, and anyone who’s ever criticised him.

Katie Hopkins

Filmed a memorial to Charlie Kirk while walking through a field and, in the honourable tradition of right-wing influencers, the fifth to seventh words of her moving tribute were the title of her book, on sale now. Also signs off with them. No, you don’t know the words and you’ve never heard of the book, and she’s very angry about that.

Joey Barton

The former Manchester City midfielder – before they were good – had one simple verdict on the tragedy: ‘Absolute shit bags. Woke is dead.’ To get there from here is not for intellects lesser than Barton’s. Was he saying Kirk was woke? Divining that his assassin was? Or opining that a death an ocean away for unclear motives means no pronouns?

Isabel Oakeshott

The Dubai-dwelling patriot may not know who pulled the trigger, but she’s certain that it was motivated by the media calling people far-right. Including her actually, now she thinks about it, so nobody should be labelled as anything they don’t like except her opponents. Now if you’ll excuse her, she needs to get back to tweeting about how shit Britain is.

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