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News, or some batshit old twat posting in all-caps on social media? A quiz

CAN you tell the difference between headline news and a mad old bastard posting wildly on social media about an issue he knew nothing about moments ago? Find out: 

A continent’s diplomats are holding an emergency meeting and a military alliance is threatened. Is it because: 

A) An invasion fleet is sailing towards an Arctic island with instructions to take it by any means necessary?
B) A blinking, doddering fool barely cognisant of his own thoughts has posted a shit AI-generated image of a flag planted in ice on his own for-profit social network?

Your country’s right-wing parties and media have been roused into a frenzy over ownership of islands in the Indian Ocean settled months ago. Is it because: 

A) The ownership of those islands, and the right to a military base on them, is suddenly vital because of troop movements nearby?
B) A drooling f**knut who waved through the deal last year has unexpectedly sent an illiterate message full of “unnecessary quotation marks” and SHOUTY CAPS about the islands, and our nation’s knobhead opportunists have immediately sided with him?

You are an Iranian sick of being ruled by a despotic regime and desperate for foreign help. Should you: 

A) Take the promises of the world’s most powerful man at face value, continuing your revolt confident that should there be reprisals he will swoop in to save you?
B) Recognise these are the empty, blithering words of an imbecile who has spent his whole life making false promises whose presidency so far has proved that he will risk nothing and considers foreign lives worthless?

AMERICA FIRST! Does this mean: 

A) A new policy, returning to the isolationist governments of the 19th century, which puts American interests above all others and means foreign policy should be recalibrated accordingly?
B) TRUMP FIRST!

ANSWERS: 

Mostly As: You have mistaken the ramblings of a vainglorious moron for actual news. You are a fool.

Mostly Bs: You have recognised that the disjointed delusions of a demented cretin are not news. However they could become news at any moment, making you a fool.

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How to beat the January blues with fresh new ways to wank

NEW hobbies, sports and joining bloody book clubs are proposed as cures for the January blues, but what about an innovative new approach to self-pleasuring? Give these a go:  

Find new things to masturbate over

Sick of the same old? Be open to reaching climax over non-human things. Deer are quite sexy, or if you’re a woman who favours the strong, silent type, what about a tuna? There are plenty of hot robots, such as Elita-1 out of Transformers One. Just try not to dwell on what would happen to your genitals if she transforms into a car when she climaxes.

Treat yourself to a cashmere spunk sock

Your penis deserves better than a discarded sports sock, so try the comfort of Merino wool socks in a traditional Nordic pattern. Or for the ultimate in style and luxury, £125 cashmere socks from a Savile Row outfitters. You’ll feel like James Bond as you bring yourself off!

Start a masturbation society

After all, what is a book group but a load of wankers wanking on? And there’s so much to discuss – the best dildo, which grip to use, the most debased porn sites, the upcoming fourth season of Bridgerton. Above all it’s a great way to make friends locally. ‘Haven’t seen you at wanking club recently, Tony!’ you’ll cheerfully shout across Asda.

Invest in a quality fleshlight

Regular users of fleshlights swear by them, though whether they’ve done a full comparison with a real vagina is unlikely. They can apparently replicate every type of sex you’re not currently having, and with names like ‘Ice Lady’ you can convince yourself this is a normal, on-trend sexual activity, not just putting your knob in a squishy torch.

Change location

Sometimes a change of scene is all we need, and January is ideal for a cheap off-season rental. Airbnb recommends non-tourist destinations for the best deals, so why not book a week in a terraced house in Stoke-on-Trent with nothing to do but bring yourself off? You’ve paid the cleaning fee upfront!

Take it al fresco

Visiting the countryside is a great way to combine a wank with exercise and scenery. You might even stumble upon one of Britain’s many fascinating historical sites and realise that 2,000 years ago a Roman soldier may have jizzed in this very spot. It’s incredible – and humbling – to realise that you too are part of the great tapestry of masturbatory history.

Consider splashing out on a lifelike sex doll

Pricey, but an expensive gift to yourself might be just what you need. Many hobbies require expensive equipment, after all, so it’s no different to rock-climbing. Although you may prefer not to boast to your colleagues about an exhausting but fulfilling weekend spent having sex with a lifeless, limbless silicone woman.

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