KEIR Starmer purred down the phone to President Trump that he is willing to do anything, ‘and I do mean anything’ to get the special relationship back in track.

The prime minister admitted he had been ‘a naughty, wilful boy’ in not allowing the US to use British bases and he is prepared ‘to be punished, sir’ to restore relations between the two countries.

Starmer continued: “I’m sure a big, powerful man like yourself can think of something to do with me. And I think you’ll find I’m very morally flexible and extremely accommodating.

“Do you want access to some more of my tight little RAF bases? I think there’s room for you to squeeze in a few more of your big, throbbing bombers. Say it’s for our protection and watch my principles just melt away.

“Or perhaps I could clumsily trip over and ban the media from mentioning you in relation to the Epstein files? Picture it. Me, helpless, thigh exposed, tapping a huge black redaction marker against my lips. Hot, isn’t it?

“You could ravage the NHS. We could double-team China. I could act out that little ‘invasion of Europe’ fantasy you’ve been dropping hints about. Take me, Donny, take me.”

Nigel Farage said: “Oh, he’ll use you. Then he’ll discard you.”