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Reformer tempted to defect to Your Party if it's a sexist boys' club

A MEMBER of Reform UK is thinking of defecting to Corbyn’s Your Party if it is the sexist boys’ club Zarah Sultana has accused it of being.

Paid-up member of Reform UK Stephen Malley is considering switching his political allegiance to Your Party after Sultana’s claims that it treats women poorly and silences their voices.

Malley said: “I may not agree with Your Party’s views on climate change and wealth redistribution, but some good old-fashioned arse-pinching sexism? That I can definitely get behind.

“There I was thinking Your Party would be all woke and ineffective. How wrong can a man be? It hasn’t even launched its official manifesto yet and it’s turned out to be a haven for men like me who are sick of all the nagging feminists.

“I expect the Your Party HQ is like a Carry On film, with all the dolly bird members tottering about on high heels to deliver important papers to the men in charge. Christ, I can’t wait to get involved with such a worthy cause.

“It’s not just any woman criticising Your Party either, this is coming from a person of colour so the optics are doubly bad. Reform needs to start recruiting women from minority backgrounds and being sexist to them. Otherwise we’ll just look like dinosaurs.”

A Your Party spokesperson told other Reformers thinking of defecting: “Come for the boys’ club atmosphere, stay for the interminable debates about democratic socialism. Something for everyone!”

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'Fire experts and replace them with podcasters': More of Trump's advice to Starmer

LIKE a simpleminded Daily Express reader, Trump advised Starmer to use the military to stop asylum seekers. He also proffered the following advice:

‘Blow up the boats’

I just started blowing up boats, and I love it. The military does all the hard work of finding a boat, then all you have to do is give the kill order and watch the action. There’s no evidence left after so you can say they’re drug smugglers and nobody can prove you’re lying.

‘Fire the experts’

Experts are inconvenient. They tell you you’re doubling the national deficit, that vaccines are effective, that ‘gravity doesn’t work that way’. Fire them all – you can use my catchphrase ‘You’re fired’, we’re buddies – and hire podcasters and TV presenters who like you instead. If they have lunatic belief systems, that’s an advantage.

‘Sue the Daily Mail for £15 billion’

You don’t like it and it’s printing lies about you? Sue. Use the teenager who once ran a pro-Starmer Twitter account who you just put in charge of Ofcom to threaten them. Drive them out of business and mock their journalists personally on social media. Have Sarah Vine deported. If they like Trump’s ideas, they’ll love this.

‘Get your own private police force’

Mine’s called ICE and they’re officially dealing with immigration, but they’re masked, accountable to nobody and do whatever they like. One word from me, they’re arresting a whole street and shipping them off to countries they never even visited. Useful for disposing of political enemies.

‘Send soldiers to Conservative cities’

‘I sure love the military. They have to follow your orders! So send them into any constituency that’s giving you trouble, whether it’s Clacton or the Cotswolds, and put them standing around holding guns on corners. Gets people used to it for when you need to call off elections, which is an idea for the future.

‘Threaten at will’

Finally, never skimp on threats. Whether it’s withdrawing broadcast licences or requesting neighbouring countries hand their sovereignty over to you, I find you can’t beat a casual threat. Who knows if you’ll go through with it? Keeps them trembling. Oh, and if you want to execute Nigel, I understand. Hell, make it a state affair like this and I’ll come along.

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