Roll up, roll up, come see my collection of shitheads the public hates, says Farage

16th January 2026

COME one! Come all! See the largest collection of venal turncoats disliked by the British electorate one can ever imagine!

Yes I, the ringmaster Nigel Farage, have with immense foresight gathered together a truly outstanding stockpile of f**kwits, twats and former BoJo loyalists, all for you to vote for!

See my latest addition, Robert Jenrick! Spat out by the Conservative party like rancid meat with metal in, and scooped off the pavement by my own good self! See him say the Tories broke Britain apparently oblivious to the fact he was one of those very Tories!

Don’t like that, and few would? Then how about Nadhim Zahawi, the shameless opportunist appointed as Boris Johnson’s chancellor when everyone else was resigning! He’s only here because they wouldn’t make him a Lord! Fancy voting for that?

How about Nadine Dorries, if you’re into resentful non-peers? Or Andrea Jenkyns? Or Danny Kruger, who with David Cameron turned the Tories into the Lib Dems, so right-wing loons say? The very right-wing loons we’re hoping will vote for him!

Yes, no longer are we the party of outsiders offering an alternative to politics as usual! Instead we’re the recognisable face of failure, starring a curated selection of shits who believe that slapping a new label on their foetid foreheads will endear them to Britain!

Even our rabid online supporters are taken aback by the addition of Jenrick, and there’s immigration-enabling Israeli intelligence asset Suella Braverman still to come! Roll up, roll up! Who’ll vote for us?

What to do if a loved one is trapped in the cult of Richard Osman

16th January 2026

HAS someone close to you been brainwashed into worshipping TV presenter Richard Osman, believing he’s an infallible genius polymath? Here’s how to stage an intervention.

Explain there are taller people

Members of the Osman cult are transfixed by his impressive height of 6 feet 7 inches. Challenge this by explaining that taller people have existed, such as Robert Wadlow of the USA, who was a terrifying 8 feet 11 inches tall. Learning that Richard is a mere runt in comparison will shatter some of his mystique.

Introduce them to other books

Your friend or relative will believe that The Thursday Murder Club is the greatest book ever written. You need to dispel this notion, so persuade them to read some Martin Amis, Margaret Atwood, Ernest Hemingway, Iain Banks, Emile Zola, Charles Bukowski or anything that proves there’s more to literature than twee murder mysteries. If none of these appeal, give them a Stephen Fry novel, which should appeal to their love of overrated celebrity bollocks.

Undermine their love of Pointless

Although he’s no longer on it, Pointless is what snared most Osman fans and your friend will still be hooked. Question the basic premise of this least-intuitive-answer-based quiz by saying things like: ‘You know there are more pleasurable activities than thinking of obscure words you can make from the letters in “garden”? Such as wanking, eating a banana, or pretty much anything?’

Prove he’s not that clever

Part of Cambridge-educated Richard’s appeal is his intelligence, but there are plenty of other clever-clever eggheads in the world. Pointedly ask if he has ever cured smallpox like Edward Jenner, or devised a theory explaining the interconnected nature of space and time like Einstein. This is perhaps unfair on Osman, whose oeuvre is light-hearted entertainment, but as a clever person he could be doing scientific breakthroughs at weekends.

Separate them from the cult

You need to isolate your loved one from the cult’s message, and this won’t be easy because the entire British media is constantly insisting that everyone must take a close interest in everything Osman does. Book a surprise holiday in a cottage on a remote Scottish island, and once there ‘accidentally’ smash the TV, wifi router and your friend’s phone with a hammer. You’ll look psycho, but this will deter them from escaping.

Sign them up for Scientology

As a last resort, take the Osman cult victim to the big Scientology HQ in London and sign them up there and then. A lifetime of emotional and financial exploitation at the hands of loonies who believe in bullshit like thetans and the alien warlord Xenu isn’t ideal, but it will keep them too busy to hassle you to read tiresome Osman whodunits with titles like The Cotswolds Tea Shop Poisoner.