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Silence from nation as Starmer demands he be told exactly what he did wrong

THE prime minister is standing at his Downing Street podium waiting to be told exactly what he did to deserve to be deposed, to shuffling silence. 

Rather than deliver the expected resignation speech, Keir Starmer has emerged from his home and told the country he is not going anywhere until it is explained to him why it is so urgent he be replaced by a former mayor in a black bomber jacket.

He continued: “Less than two years since I won a landslide. I’m sure you’ve got an excellent reason. I’m waiting.

“Since apparently the entire of the UK wants me to go you must have a clear set of defined reasons why that would be. Why don’t you go through them, one by one.

“Cancelling winter fuel payments? Really? An extra wedge for a wealthy segment of the population, that I anyway walked back to means-testing? Try again. Not much of a communicator? Well you’re not communicating a great deal to me right now.

“What was that? Southport, says the large gentleman at the back with a flag? A horrific event that took place less than a month into my rule that I could have done nothing to stop? Is that your best reason?

“Taxing farmers’ estates? A National Insurance rise for employers? Is that the best you’ve got? Come on, one single clear reason and I’ll go. I promise you. Out with it.”

After a lengthy pause, he said: “I can wait here all day if I have to.”

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Pies for breakfast: life under Burnham's Northern dictatorship

THE bourgeois Southern regime has fallen. In its place stands the People’s Democratic Republic of the North, under the leadership of Comrade Burnham. Here’s what to expect:

Food

At 7am, commissars from the Ministry of Gravy issue each household with a meat-and-potato pie. Vegetarians receive a lecture on getting a grip. Citizens caught consuming granola are sent to a Barnsley re-education camp. Brunch carries mandatory execution, although there are underground sourdough proofing cells.

The capital

Manchester, renamed Burnhamgrad, is the UK’s centre now. The territory that was once London is redesignated Administrative Zone Poncy South. Travel permits are required to travel south of Stoke-on-Trent. Citizens wishing to do so must provide a valid reason, such as supporting Bolton away or liquidating an Old Etonian.

The ex-people

London’s management consultancies collapse. Entire communities of ex-investment bankers are thrown into strikes and poverty, forced to survive by selling scented candles and explaining cryptocurrency on the streets. Anyone complaining will be instructed to get on their Lime bikes and look for work.

Communications

Each morning state plays the national anthem Wonderwall. As with the current anthem, no one knows the second verse. Received pronunciation means Standard Northern, taught in all schools with a strong Wigan accent. King Charles will begin all speeches with ‘right, then,’ while wearing a diamond-encrusted flat cap.

Leisure

Pint-supping is your leisure time now. Women may play bingo, or stand arms folded on doorsteps gossiping about the cleanliness of others’ net curtains. Anyone not making casual conversation at bus stops will out themselves as an enemy agent.

Politics

Supreme Leader Burnham cannot carry the dictatorship of the Northernariat by himself. Rather, other icons are displayed in homes, specifically Angela Rayner, Fred Dibnah and the cast of Last of the Summer Wine. 10 Downing Street is moved to a working men’s club near Rochdale which holds a Friday night meat raffle.

Clothing

Coats are banned. Rain is mandatory.

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