ANDY Burnham is our new prime minister, sort of, and Britain is so entranced by him he is already appearing cock out in our dreams. What did he do in yours?
Margaret Gerving, retired: “Nationalised Thames Water then spunked in it.”
Emma Bradford, carpet fitter: “Gave me a proper, no-nonsense, Northern seeing-to. But then afterwards when he took off his glasses his nose came off with them.”
Thom Logan, vehicle restorer: “Slowly undressed me while whispering filthily about relaxing fiscal constraints and excluding defence spending from the debt brake, freeing borrowing to modernise the armed forces. Same as every other Grindr f**kboi.”
Helen Archer, phlebotomist: “Burnham, Farage, Ed Davey; it doesn’t matter who’s in my wet dreams, I can’t recognise them under the clown make-up.”
James Bates, Vinted reseller: “Nice change to have a Northern voice providing constant, withering critique of how badly I’m banging Holly Willoughby. With Starmer it was like I was being belittled by a robot.”
