THE country needs revenue and tax rises are forecast in the coming budget. Who, discounting you obviously, should be targeted?
Olly O’Connor, anarchist: “I’m all about taxing the rich into absolute oblivion and building world-class public services from their bleached bones. How do you like that, daddy?”
Donna Sheridan, pastry chef: “God, if only there were some way to tax the thousands of illegal vape shops owned by swiftly-liquidated shell companies with fake company directors. But that’s beyond the power of any government.”
Helen Archer, recruitment consultant: “Tax E-bikes, SUVs, Zoom calls on trains, leylandii, bad tapas, K-Pop Demon Hunters, Crocs with socks, and Sean Bean. Yes, that is just a list of things that annoy me.”
Grace Wood-Morris, civil servant: “I firmly believe an extra £40bn in revenue can be found by cutting mobility scooter relief by 7.8 per cent, shaving 2.8 per cent off supernumerary business postal rates and adding 15 per cent to Scottish duty for the sale of scheduled ancient monuments. I am employed at the Treasury actually, how did you know?”
Stephen Malley, chicken farmer: “Have we considered putting tariffs on anything? Apparently that raises £17 trillion, according to someone whose truthfulness we are no longer permitted to doubt.”
