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Who won't be the next Labour leader because they're not even close to being ready?

THE race is on to be prime minister with all the candidates entirely unprepared and half not even willing to run. We outline the odds:

Wes Streeting, health secretary

The only person even close to replacing Starmer because he’s in cabinet and people have heard of him, Streeting’s chances of being the next leader are only damaged by being widely unpopular with centrists, venomously hated by the left and having called Peter Mandelson his ‘best pal’.

Odds 5-2

Angela Rayner, former deputy prime minister

Out of cabinet after a stamp duty scandal, Rayner is backed by the Daily Mail just for the sheer joy it would take in tearing her apart. The flame-haired working-class temptress, blamed for destabilising the Boris Johnson administration by making him think of fanny, is unlikely to run because she only found out she was meant to this morning.

Odds 8-1

Andy Burnham, mayor of Manchester

Unable to run because he is not an MP, Burnham may yet emerge as a challenger if time runs backwards, the mistakes of history are corrected and a woman emerges from a lake to hand him the sword Excalibur. Otherwise will remain in his current position brooding darkly in a tower on a wind-blasted heath.

Odds 15-1

Ed Miliband, energy secretary

The grinning geek who already lost one election to an unpopular Tory is widely tipped to be a safe pair of hands to do the same again. Would bring his expertise of carving massive gravestones for his own leadership and orally bringing a bacon butty to climax to a public unhappy to be reminded of such things. Also doesn’t want to.

Odds 25-1

Alan Carr and Amanda Holden, interior design show presenters

Hamstrung by being limited to Labour party MPs who support Labour, neither of which are popular in the country at large, the party could swoop in and secure the presenters the BBC wanted for Strictly. By being gay, traitorous and talentless they combine Streeting, Burnham and Miliband in one TV-friendly package. Would not accept the massive pay cut.

Odds 50-1

Jeremy Corbyn, interim co-leader of Your Party subject to collective leadership ratification

Always ready, always running, never more than a week away from appearing at his next rally before cheering crowds, Jeremy is still Labour’s leader in his heart. Beats Miliband for experience by losing two elections and beats Rayner on being working-class by sheer insistence. Corbyn would fire the whole parliamentary party and sit back satisfied.

Odds 3-100 favourite

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You need to love yourself first: Modern dating advice that is demonstrably untrue

WHEN it comes to dating advice, we’ve hopefully moved on from platitudes like ‘plenty more fish in the sea’. But is the touchy-feely advice of the internet age any better? Of course not.

You’ll find love when you stop looking

So dating is governed by some sort of sentient force, and when it notices you’re less desperate to find a partner, it will send one your way? Great timing. If you give the slightest credence to this sort of quasi-mystical bollocks you may as well start believing in in fairies. At least then you might shag a Wiccan.

You need to love yourself first

Objectively, whether you adore yourself or have low self-esteem makes very little difference to whether people want to go out with you. Also, what sort of twat won’t date someone if they’re a bit insecure or down on themselves? ‘Sorry, pleasant Dua Lipa lookalike, a relationship is out of the question because you mentioned you’re not very confident at work. I’ll get you an Uber.’

Don’t spend too long in the ‘talking stage’ 

This refers to the Gen Z practice of conducting a relationship via social media or texting, then it being a disaster when they meet in person. However if you’re too thick to understand the whole point of dating is to be in the same physical space so you can have sex and use those Pizza Express vouchers, maybe it’s best if you never get a chance to add to the gene pool.

You’ve got to ‘work on yourself’

Commonly cited examples of ‘working on yourself’ are: journaling, improving your sleep/exercise habits, and learning new skills. With the exception of exercise, it’s hard to see how any of these help with dating. In fact not mentioning your boring, badly-written, self-obsessed journal will probably increase your chances of pulling 100 per cent.

When you know, you know

This is usually said by tiresome women trying to sound wise about matters of the heart. What they actually mean is: ‘I found someone who met my long-term relationship requirements and also had a decent car.’ But they can’t say that because then it doesn’t sound as if they’ve got an enigmatic sixth sense.

You have to work at a relationship 

This received wisdom holds that relationships are an endless knackering slog requiring constant vigilance and effort, which is incredibly depressing. And probably bad advice if a couple fundamentally aren’t suited. But in any case, you don’t have to work at a relationship. It’s a free country. What’s your partner going to do, call the Crappy Birthday Present Police?

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