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Wow. And just when I thought my job was safe

TWO resignations? Government destabilised again? My authority threatened? Stunned. And just when I was thinking I was in this for the long haul.

Yesterday morning, for the first time in a long time, there wasn’t a cloud on the horizon for the old Starmer premiership. Three by-elections next week and we could win all of them. Mandelson files a damp squib. War in Iran, according to Trump, all but wrapped up.

Then this! Out of a clear blue sky. Sure, the Army complained my promise to raise defence spending was a 0.08 per cent increase in real terms but I’d also kept them out of a war, so for me that balanced out.

Without warning, we were down a defence minister. Then, shortly after doing the rounds on TV saying he wouldn’t resign, the armed forces minister went. I couldn’t have been more shocked. We had an armed forces minister?

Now all the newspapers are saying I’m doomed again, when they haven’t said that for at least four weeks so I assumed it had all blown over. All the other parties are calling for me to resign again when I never say that about them, not even Kemi.

Then I remembered the candidate in one of those by-elections – not sure which one, the media treats Makerfield, Aberdeen South and Arbroath and Broughty Ferry entirely equally – is Andy Burnham. And I’m pretty sure he said something about wanting my job.

So once again, we’ve gone from everything looking good and me feeling chipper to doom and disaster, just because of some minor budgetary, obligation-to-NATO, crucial-to-the-nation’s-defence nonsense. Bloody hell.

Why does this always have to happen to me? Is it something I’m doing?

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Five random words that will inevitably become Gen Z dating terms

‘SHREKKING’, or being rejected by someone less attractive, is the latest bollocks Gen Z dating term, so what’s next? Any of these five are reasonable contenders.

Tescoing

Tescoing will refer to those relationships where you want to go out with someone more high-maintenance but you’re too poor. Instead, you’ll resort to whoever is convenient yet still offers a reasonable romantic experience. It won’t feel incredible, but at least you’re not dating the human equivalent of Happy Shopper.

Librarying

You’d be forgiven for thinking that librarying will refer to dates that are kept hush-hush. Not so. Instead, it will describe people who forget they have a date, then keep renewing their sweetheart’s interest at the last minute before incurring incremental emotional fees. Currently this is described with the words ‘lazy’, ‘forgetful’ and ‘twat’.

Adrian Chilesing

Inspired by his deranged newspaper columns, Adrian Chiles-ers are those people who attract you against your better judgement with the weird shit they come out with. One day they’ll be banging on about their frustrations with cheese rinds, the next they’ll be waxing lyrical about their fascination with Punch and Judy. You’ll never figure them out, and that’s part of their strange appeal.

Chessing

Dates that move in specific, pre-determined ways will be referred to as chessing. These relationships will also be slow-moving, a bit of a headache, and your friends will get bored of waiting to see if they actually go anywhere. After what feels like forever, they will grind to a halt and both parties will walk away in a huff.

Uber Eatsing

This will refer to those times where someone arranges for a date to arrive at their front door, before hooking up with them then feeling bloated and ashamed the next morning. Said hook-ups will be sworn off, unless the singleton in question hasn’t had them round for a few months and they’ve had a tough week at work.

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