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You know, Reform aren't such bad guys, Starmer tells voters

KEIR Starmer has told the people of Makerfield that Reform are not the unelectable monsters they have been led to believe.

Although he obviously wants Labour candidate Andy Burnham to win, the prime minister felt it was only right to inform voters that Reform actually have many good qualities worth considering.

Starmer said: “You didn’t actually believe me when I said Farage was exploiting the death of Henry Nowak to create grievance and division, did you? That was just a joke.

“His party is the only one that will look out for ordinary British people. It says so in Reform’s manifesto, and they wouldn’t make such a broad, hyperbolic claim if it wasn’t true. That’s probably illegal.

“I know they’re a bit of a dog whistle for right-wing extremists and some of their councillors like to share antisemitic content, but nobody’s perfect. I drank a whole beer during lockdown and you found it in your hearts to forgive me.

“Their logo’s even a lovely shade of aqua with a jolly little arrow on it. If that’s not enough to get your vote, I don’t know what is.”

Local voter Martin Bishop said: “This is brilliant. I can tell Starmer to f**k off, and I can tell Farage to f**k off at the same time. I wish every election was this enjoyable.”

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The Wombles are back, and yes now they're sexy

THE Wombles have returned and yes, like everything else, they are now woke, sexy and for adults only. 

After almost 30 years off-screen, the intellectual property has been bought by a corporation who plan to strip-mine your rose-tinted childhood memories for whatever they can get.

A spokesman said: “What would make headlines and announce we’re bringing these characters into the 21st century? You got it, Wombles f**king.

“They already lived on Wimbledon Common, a notorious cruising spot, so Tobermory in a studded leather chest harness is a natural progression respecting the original stories. And Madame Cholet? You can’t call yourself that and not run a brothel.

“We’ll explore stories about littering, the environment, their sexual exploits on the Radio 1 Roadshows in the 1970s, gender, non-binary identities, gentrification and the plight of indigenous peoples. Something for everyone there.

“And the show will, of course, feature complicated continuity, spin-offs, references to barely remembered 70s episodes and the heartbreaking death of Great Uncle Orinoco. We think it’ll be as popular as the last two seasons of Doctor Who.”

The theme tune, a haunting downtempo minor-key rendition of Remember You’re a Womble by Ellie Goulding, has already been commissioned to soundtrack a teaser trailer released next week.

Fan Carolyn Ryan said: “I say ‘cockwomble’ on social media a lot. If they get that in there I’ll turn it into a meme.”

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