Politics

Britain to decide why it's shit

DAVID Cameron has pledged to settle, once and for all, the question of why Britain is so shit.

Obama regrets promising new Game of Thrones book

PRESIDENT Obama made a number of rash, personalised promises to voters, it has emerged.

Cameron on severe E comedown

DAVID Cameron is in floods of tears today after having taken Ecstasy with Boris Johnson at the Olympics closing ceremony.

Mitt Romney completes tour of Europe by urinating on Lenin's tomb

REPUBLICAN presidential candidate Mitt Romney has concluded a visit to Russia by relieving himself on the casket containing the enbalmed body of Lenin.

Aidan Burley convinced career is back on track

MP AIDAN Burley last night reassured friends that he is still on schedule to be prime minister by 2017.

Twilight crisis triggers emergency UN meeting

MEMBERS of the United Nations met last night to discuss the crisis threatening to engulf the Twilight saga.

Gordon Brown 'anally probed by ETs'

GORDON Brown was painfully probed by aliens at the behest of Tony Blair, government files have revealed.