Politics

How to ignore the haters, by Suella Braverman

FACING criticism from people who are clearly just well jealous of you, hun? Ignore the haters with this advice from me, Suella Braverman.

Princess Leia against a tree on Endor: Rishi Sunak's nerdiest sexual fantasies

THERE is literally nothing interesting about Rishi Sunak except that he likes Star Wars. Here are his nerdiest sexual fantasies from the worlds of sci-fi and superheroes.

It is with great sadness that I cede my role as Minister for Twattery, by Jacob Rees-Mogg

JACOB Rees-Mogg has resigned as business secretary via a convoluted, handwritten letter. Here is the text in full.

He only sleeps with half his brain at a time: surprising facts about Rishi Sunak

RISHI Sunak is the UK’s prime minister, but who or what is he? Learn all about our universally beloved leader with these strange but true facts.

Race no barrier to being an unpopular Tory prime minister, UK confirms

BRITISH people have confirmed that they are proud to live in a country where race is no longer a barrier to being an overprivileged, out-of-touch Conservative leader.

Phew, this undemocratic process nearly got silly, says public

THE public is relieved Boris Johnson has pulled out of the leadership race because he would have made a mockery of an already ridiculous process.

Why I actually had one billion nominations, by Boris Johnson

EVERYONE seems to think the reason I pulled out of the leadership race was because I didn’t get enough support. On the contrary, the truth is that I had too much.

Screwed, shafted or f**ked? Britain asked

BRITAIN has been asked to choose from a leader who will either screw them, shaft them or f**k them, it has emerged.

Big fat blonde ex after rebound sex

YOUR big fat blonde cheating lying bastard of an ex has heard you are single again and has put in a call.

General election would be irresponsible, says party that just elected inept chainsaw-juggling unicyclist

THE party that chose an amateur chainsaw-juggler to perform her act on the roof of a burning orphanage believes a general election would be dangerous and irresponsible.