Aries, March 21st–April 19th
Genesis, Exodus, skip a few, Jesus Revelation.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Someone out there must be sexually aroused by extreme boredom. Absolutely rock hard while a colleague drones on about a recent sales conference in Ipswich.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
There’s a man down Gandalf’s chip shop swears he’s Elvish.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
If I was on death row I’d take an Imodium with my last meal. Don’t want nerves to get the better of you.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Alexander Skarsgård in thigh-high boots? Somebody’s ready for pantomime.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
“Is there such a thing as a low-functioning alcoholic? Oh that’s most of them? I stand corrected.”
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
I bet Jesus cringes whenever he hears Lord of the Dance. What a fucking embarrassment of a hymn.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
There’s nothing inherently wrong with the name Adolf and it will never recover its former standing unless people start using it again, you tell the midwife.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
“No, it’s a cuckold clock. It only comes out when my wife is having sex with other men.”
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
If you’ll excuse me, I have a date with Destiny. She’s 23 and swings round that pole like she was born to it.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
“Only 30 seconds to give shout-outs to the many people who’ve given me so much over the years? You insult me, Ken Bruce. You insult my life.”
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
Bring back hanging (gardens, the) (Babylon, of) (seven wonders, ancient world, one of the).
