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England win in way that makes fans hate them

ENGLAND have qualified for the second round of the World Cup at the trivial cost of losing the support of every fan who watched the last two games. 

A two-nil victory against Panama by what has become a two-man team means England play Congo on Wednesday, no matter how much everyone involved wishes they would not.

Fan Joanna Kramer said: “I have to watch it, because it means I get to leave work early. But I promise you this, England: I will be on my phone throughout.

“It’s clear the players wish they were. Every pass says ‘if we keep doing this, it’ll soon be over’. No-one much fancies trying to break up a defence, or scoring a goal, or playing football. The average American is more enthused about this game than them, and they couldn’t give a shit.

“It’s not the scoreline. You can have a thrilling 0-0, as Colombia-Portugal proved. It’s the sheer reluctance to engage in football that’s making me envy Scotland fans because at least it’s all over for them.”

Fan Steve Malley agreed: “You know when you see 40-year-olds playing in the park, red-faced and breathless, coming to blows about an offside call? England could use their passion and commitment.

“I see we’ve made it to the easy side of the draw. Oh good. Now we can joylessly limp all the way to the quarter-finals.”

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How to cope with your child's teacher being a Gen Z wanker

IN your schooldays Mr Logan would emerge from the cigarette smoke of the staffroom, mutter about fractions and visibly wish he could still belt you one. 

Today? Your child is being taught algebra by a man called Kai who says ‘Okay besties, let’s cook on these equations.’ Struggling with the transition? Follow these steps:

Learn their language

When Arya says your son ‘ate’ on his Maths test, resist the temptation to ask if he used the paper as a plate for his Wagon Wheel. Instead, nod gravely and reply ‘iconic’. This establishes you as an ally. Continue to play along when Ofsted are described as ‘toxic’, PE class as having ‘chaotic energy’ and the end-of-year report reads ‘no notes’.

Don’t stress over how they look

Accept that your offspring is in the care of someone whose judgement has led them to sport a mullet and one earring. Which goes for both men and women. Do not mention the men having wispy moustaches that makes them resemble the police at the Iranian Embassy siege, or admit you remember that from the first time round.

Accept that every lesson has aesthetic branding

Gone is ‘History’. That would be ‘mid’. Today’s pupils enjoy immersive educational experiences such as Caesarcore and Tudor Vibes. When your child comes home claiming Queen Elizabeth was ‘problematic but we stan’, the system is working exactly as intended.

Brace yourself for parents’ evening

Traditional parents’ evenings featured painful chairs, constantly ringing bells and an air of quiet disappointment. The modern version is a Zoom call with a hungover 24-year-old who says your daughter has ‘main character energy’ before explaining she’s failed every mock. Suggesting she could try harder would be damaging to her mental health.

Ignore their Instagram presence

Teachers once kept their personal lives, and indeed their first names, private. Today’s educational professionals maintain an account called ‘Miss Rizz Teaches’ with 84k followers. Every lesson begins with a ring light. Every assembly is crafted for content. Your child is visible in a viral video captioned ‘POV: The year 9s are feral today’.

Remember, they are actual adults

Yes, they look twelve. Yes, they use the word ‘slay’ in evaluations and regard a Stanley cup as essential classroom equipment. But they have a teaching qualification, can operate the interactive whiteboard without recourse to IT, and take your children off your hands for six hours a day. Remember lockdown. You cannot do that again.

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