Crystal Palace to stop giving away complementary goal

CRYSTAL Palace manager Neil Warnock has called an end to the tradition that sees his club give all opponents a guaranteed goal.

Providing a warm welcome

The South London side have become firm favourites with other Premier League teams thanks to their courteous insistence upon making sure opponents find the net.

However manager Warnock believes less generous clubs are taking advantage of Palace’s good nature to beat his team at football.

Warnock said: “People are always saying they love playing against us and that means a lot to me.

“We pride ourselves on making the experience as comfortable as possible by providing a ‘welcome goal’ rather than being uncooperative.

“But people get greedy and want another goal and another and before you know it we’ve given away three. That’s really too many.”

However, goalkeeper Julian Speroni was clearly uncomfortable with the idea of not stooping to pick the ball out of his net with an exaggerated sigh.

He said: “It does feel sort of rude not to give away at least one goal after they’ve taken the time to play us.

“I like to think that when clubs see Crystal Palace on their fixture list it puts a smile on their face.”

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Fancy meals always cooked by psychotic-looking men

KITCHENS in expensive restaurants are staffed by dangerous men, it has emerged.

‘Sometimes I do bad things’

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that as well as looking intimidating all gourmet chefs have been to prison, many for serious stuff.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It’s an interesting juxtaposition as on the one hand they are making very dainty, delicately fashioned meals while also having a lifelong ban from various counties.

“But then they are also in an environment were they are surrounded by knives, fire and dead animals, so it kind of makes sense.”

Martin Bishop who runs the Oui restaurant in North London said: “We shield the customers from our kitchen staff for rather obvious reasons.

“One of our chefs has ‘Leicester City F.C 4 Life’ tattooed across his neck along with a tattoo of a small dagger under his right eye. He makes a mean creme brulee though.

“It doesn’t really matter that our kitchen staff look like a gang of football hooligans mixed with the crew of a viking longboat provided they keep pumping out the high quality a la carte.

“And as long as they always were a hair net, of course.’”