England team psychologist to deal mainly with John Terry-based nightmares

THE England football team’s new psychologist will focus on helping players recover from nightmares about John Terry.

Dr Steve Peters will conduct individual and group sessions where players can detail their particular John Terry nightmare in a ‘safe and supportive environment’.

Although Terry has retired from international football, the FA believes that without psychological support he will continue to be a harrowing part of of the England set-up.

As well as talking and sharing, the therapy will involve camomile infusions, painting with water colours and very large soft toys.

Meanwhile, while each player will be asked to create a ‘happy place’ where John Terry does not want to overpower them in a Jacuzzi.

An FA spokesman said: “It’s very difficult to take a penalty against Germany when all you can think about is a half-naked John Terry asking asking if you’ve ever been shaved by another man.”

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Mental relaxation has affected my bottom

Dear Holly,

Being intensely relaxed has a downside. Although it means I can stop worrying about immigration, the physical side-effect is hellish flatulence. I can’t even get up from a chair without letting one rip. Any suggestions?

Vince Cable


Dear Vince,

You wouldn’t do well in my school because farting isn’t allowed, especially not on other people’s heads. I know this because I was once sitting doing up my shoes after lunch and a fat boy called John Smart came over and farted on my head. Grown up ladies are always moaning about the glass ceiling and gender inequality in the workplace, but school is where the real hardcore battle against misogyny takes place. Just like Emily Davison I’ve taken one for the team. At least Emily Davison didn’t have to wash her hair with Pantene Extra Strength five times just to remove the stench.

Hope that helps!