Hull City to be renamed Hull Dildoes

HULL City owner Assem Allam plans a dildo-themed rebrand for the club, it has emerged.

After supporters rejected ‘Hull Tigers’ on the basis they aren’t an ice hockey team, the Hull Dildoes was suggested on the basis the fans can go fuck themselves.

Allam said: “The new crest will be three gleaming synthetic dongs pointing heavenwards, and our shirt sponsors will be Ann Summers.

“I previously suggested I would walk away from the club if they opposed the Tigers name change – they may wish I had when they see the new mascot, which is decidedly child unfriendly.”

Allam hopes to make Hull more marketable, removing ‘City’ from their name so the team currently lying 13th in the league with Tom Huddlestone in their side isn’t confused with title contenders Manchester City.

Supporters have opposed the move, arguing that a multimillionaire was not allowed to rename something they love just because he owns it.

Allam responded by renaming his family mansion ‘Dr Pisswicket’s House Of Pancakes’ and his Rolls Royce ‘The Egret Of Solitude’.

He said: “If this doesn’t work I’ll start renaming the staff and we’ll see how Steve Bruce likes being called SausageNose Titclister in meetings.”

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George Osborne announces Osborne City

THE chancellor has declared that a new city is to be built following the principles of Osbornism.

The city, which will be constructed by untrained Workfare slaves fuelled only by pride, will be a profit-led paradise in the shape of George Osborne’s heroic profile.

Osborne said: “This incredible project will be built on an extremely desirable tract of sewage floodplain.

“And with austerity – my steadfast mistress – as its guide it will have no street lights, road markings, or police, the citizens relying on the magnificence of the free market to give them whatever they need.”

The city of 150,000 will be dominated by the gleaming silver towers of the elite, with moving walkways that take them to their offices but only go in one direction.

Food is to be consumed intravenously to cut out uneconomic lunch breaks, while manual workers will be painted silver and must pretend to be robots to make social contact with their superiors less embarrassing.

Osborne continued: “I did think about calling it Osbornopolis but I’m saving that for 2025 when the UK’s budget surplus is large enough to purchase New York.

“Or maybe that should be the capital city of Mars? God, this job is hard.”