Mourinho to scatter beanbags on pitch

CHELSEA manager José Mourinho will place beanbags and scatter cushions on the pitch for Sunday’s game against Liverpool.

The manager said his team had an important football match coming up and he wants to keep them nice and relaxed with a laid back, Moroccan kind of vibe.

He added: “Competing in Europe against proper teams has exhausted my players so we’re placing scented candles on low tables in the centre circle. And they’ll all be playing Café del Mar compilations on their iPod Shuffles.

“Let’s keep it chilled and, yes, perhaps even a little bit trippy.”

Mourinho denied he is deliberately making the match easy for Liverpool, claiming Fernando Torres can only score a hat-trick after some deep beanbag, a cup of lime blossom tea and a full Reiki.

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By the time he hits puberty he'll be armpit-farting the theme tune to Eastenders

Dear Holly,
I’m worried about my son’s behaviour. He wipes snot on everything, dribbles profusely and laughs at his own farts. How can I ensure his manners improve a bit before he becomes King?

Catherine Cambridge

Dear Catherine,
Unfortunately, boys are made from slugs and snails and puppy dog tails, and there is nothing you can do about it. Brace yourself, because it will only get worse – by the time he hits puberty he’ll be armpit-farting the theme tune to Eastenders and flicking bogies at anything that moves. But it’s not all bad. Boys might be gross, but they are really good at some stuff that girls are rubbish at, like precision weeing and throwing spit bombs and making a realistic noise of a machine gun with their mouths, talents that our current female monarch sadly lacks, as far as I am aware.

Hope that helps!