Van Gaal finally delivers the trophy that counts

LOUIS van Gaal has cemented his status as the greatest manager in Manchester United’s history by winning the coveted Guinness International Champions Cup.

The iconic cup has a creamy top

United’s long-suffering fans have been celebrating its first major achievement.

Season ticket holder Wayne Malley said: “We’ve come so far from Sir Alex Ferguson and his pathetic 13 league titles.

“You ask the fans which trophy they dream of and they’ll say the Guinness International Challenge Cup, hands down.

“I remember as a kid, kicking a ball around the playground pretending it was the final of the Guinness International Challenge Cup.

“We would all make out it was 3am and we were in Miami and then we’d try to flog merchandise to our mates.”

The 1999 Premier League, Champions League and FA Cup trophies have been boxed up and put in the attic to clear space for the International Champions Cup in the Old Trafford trophy cabinet.

Louis van Gaal’s players are assured of hero status but must still honour their 38 Premier League fixtures, even though most fans regard them as an irrelevance.

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English viewers miss Salmond trying to bite Alistair Darling

ENGLISH viewers were unable to watch last night’s Scottish independence debate, including the moment Alex Salmond tried to bite Alistair Darling on the face.

Mr Salmond has powerful jaws but no upper-body strength

The debate was broadcast in Scotland only, but a ‘live internet stream’ was offered to the tens of millions of English people who are fascinated by Scottish politics.

Just minutes into the debate the ‘live stream’ failed, leaving English fans unable to enjoy a wide range of topics including currency, oil revenues and extra-terrestrial invasion.

But the key moment came when first minister Alex Salmond stopped mid-sentence, ran across the stage and tried to bite Mr Darling’s cheek.

The former chancellor managed to grab the SNP leader by the head and force him backwards and the two men tussled for a few seconds until the debate’s moderator fired a gun over his head.

Mr Salmond’s spokesman insisted: “We won. Alistair Darling had an incredibly negative approach to what was an optimistic and aspirational attempt to bite him on the face.”

But Julian Cook, professor of politics at Roehampton University, added: “I suspect a large number of SNP supporters will be slightly concerned at Alex Salmond’s inability to defeat Alistair Darling – a man who once lost a debate to a washing machine.”

Meanwhile, English viewers also missed the two men closing the debate in the traditional Scottish fashion by sacrificing an albino horse.