SCOTLAND have scored one goal and won one game, but can still qualify for the second round of the World Cup if they meet these stringent conditions:
All fans must stay sober for four days
Whether in Miami, Motherwell or the area around King’s Cross station, all Scotland fans are tasked with taking not a sip of drink before Sunday’s final group games to prove theirs is a serious sporting endeavour and not just an excuse to annihilate themselves with alcohol. And no other substances, either. That means you, Mark Renton.
Australia to lose, Ecuador to draw, Egypt to win, Senegal vs Iraq to end in marriage
Nine results must fall exactly Scotland’s way for three points and a goal difference of minus three to qualify them for the second round. It’s an accumulator only a hopeless, broken nation whose rare historical victories have been against all odds could believe in, so north of the border it’s considered a certainty.
Nicola Sturgeon to conclusively prove her innocence
FIFA have specified that, as an organisation free of even the slightest whiff of corruption, Scotland’s former first minister must demonstrate beyond all reasonable doubt she knew nothing of the origin of the pens she wrote with, the handbag she carried and the necklace she wore. A full explanation to be submitted by post by midnight tomorrow.
At least eight new inventions
Scots invented television, the telephone, the steam engine, pneumatic tyres and the Dandy. But where’s the spirit of invention gone? What have they invented recently apart from the deep-fried Mars bar? If they can return to their innovative ways and deliver eight new technological innovations before 9am on Sunday, the next round is assured.
Great Birnam Wood to come to Dunsinane
As a nation, Scotland used to be able to come together and relocate woodland. But today their country is covered in pine forests and there are virtually none down south where their shade would fall on actual people. Shifting one first to Dunsinane and then to Deptford would ensure their application to progress would be treated favourably.
Renounce independence forever
The Scottish urge for independence has caused an awful lot of trouble in recent years. It’s divided neighbours, convinced David Cameron he could win any referendum he cared to hold, and put temptation in Peter Murrell’s way. Renouncing it once and for all would all but ensure Scotland got through and are beaten six-nil by Germany next week.
